Hello Jan! Yes I certainly have a kiss for you too. Thank you for your kindness. I say kindness b/c like everyone here, b/c I'm devoted, I struggle to stay brave and sane. Really struggle.

I know it's b/c I have hope for my M. Even after everything my W has done to me and S11... I remember she has been hurting too for a long time. I wasn't there for her the way she needed then. I feel the guilt for that. I know she's a good person. I want to see this M work. I want to be good to my W. I want to be a good H.

Too much wanting. Too much expectations. Too much hope. Too much pain.

So I'm still not yet doing this only for myself and S11. I'm still just acting as if I'm moving ahead with my life. I still pick up my phone looking for a text from W. She just sent one... "I will be there at 9 for S11." It was 8am before. Another change. Just information. Much more than I give to her now certainly. But I know she doesn't care about my lack of contact now.

I try not to remember her crying last month about my not answering my phone... about losing my friendship. Manipulation. I should just turn my back on her. She's earned it. I won't though. I'm a good man. My son needs his mom. I miss my W. Hurting myself.

My son and I drove to get burgers. I was hurting again. Chanting "I am the big planet" from Theoden's recent post helped. I did not get beer. Sat with my son and the pain. It went away enough after a while.

I've been wondering how my W has left S11 out here with me so long. Since we left last week Sunday, she's had him 2 nights. She drove him to and from school a few days. She'll call to complain if he hasn't answered her call... then sound flat on the phone and only talk briefly when he does. If I think about that too much... I'll start to hate her. I don't want to hate her.

I was cutting S11's hair just now. Washing his clothes. Getting him food. This is how it is. I'm the sitter while she goes and "lives" like she told me she wanted. "You don't want me to live" she told me b/c I'm the one who wants our family to live. I actually felt angry cutting my son's hair just now. Then I remembered... I'm the right one. The one doing his best. Loving his son. Even loving his W.

Need to love more than that, though. I see I need to love myself. I don't... not enough yet. Still disappointed in myself. Still feeling soft. Still feeling sad. Acting as if helps. But, I know what I really have to do. Just have to get outside and GAL it done.

I 'm doing 90 days NC. This has been day #10.

I got kindness today here on this thread. Thank you.

I think I posted some good advice on other threads today. Thank you for the opportunity.

My dad sent me and S11 a wonderful Christmas gift basket.

I live in a nice Condo for almost nothing.

I have a job working from home making great money.

My s11 is happy.

My OW called me again this morning on her walk to cheer me up. She sent me a picture of the

My SIL called to check on me and asked my permission to talk with my W.

I've gone 5 days without a drink.

I just told S11 to make sure he calls his mom. I'm just going to do that to avoid any issues. He's on the phone with her now. He just asked her to come back to us. Telling her he doesn't like what is going on. I did encourage him to talk about his feelings. Glad and sad he's finally doing it. He said he's noticing how his mom doesn't seem stressed like he feels. Now I see this phone call with her is longer than usual. Doesn't matter.

Now she's calling me...

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014