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Thank you Little. Yes it is hard to let go when you care for and are hurt by the person you trusted. I see in your sitch you have times when you feel almost there and then something reminds you. I'm really looking forward to getting there myself when I can speak to W without caring at all.
Like today... she texted me to please transfer $300 to our account for a rental car. I offered before to pay for half her car. (I refrained from asking her for the receipt.)
I didn't do it immediately. I wanted to ask her about the cost as it seemed high.
I little while later she calls S11 on his phone. S11 hands the phone to me. She starts in about how I must answer my phone especially if I have S11. I calmly say, if you keep screaming at me I will hang up on you. She apologizes and starts about the rental car. I ask her to explain the cost which again sets her off. She did explain the cost in detail but I had to calmly remind her again I would hang up if she kept screaming. She apologizes. I agree to send the money.
Then she asks how S11 is. I tell her not good. (IC said to let W know about S11s moods as she's his mom.) He gets sad. He had a panic attack the first night I brought him here last week. (My IC said I should tell her as I didn't when it happened.) W started on how she didn't know and why didn't I tell her. I said I'm telling you now. She said she was starting to have a panic attack. I reminded her again about her screaming and she apologized again. I asked hasn't she noticed him being sad b/c of what she's doing. (maybe I shouldn't have said "she's doing"... guilting.) She said we're separated, of course she's seen him sad and happy. (So we're doing this not her. I moved out while she wanted us to live together after all.)
She then said, it might help him if he sees us talking. That we need to talk. I said, if she has any suggestions, email them to me. I'll consider them. Call me or text me if she has an emergency. So I repeated my boundary again but again forgot the script.
Told her I was busy and I had to go. Hung up on her.
I was very calm and even this time so improvement. I was not friendly so still a little ways to go.
Still, again she does not seem to get that we're not just separated people trying to figure our lives out for ourselves. She's having an A so I left her and I'm not her friend b/c of her decision. She doesn't get a happy family or an H who's in a hurry to help or talk to her. She doesn't get her worries soothed every morning when no one calls her or responds to her texts and calls.
The guilty part of me thinks I'm still too harsh. I'm getting to the point of treating her like co-worker I'm not friends with. I still had a touch of contempt in my voice today and irritation about contact from W. So I'm at treating her like a very irritating co-worker that I don't like. I throw the vital empathy lessons from 25 out the window when I interact with her now.
Thing is I know how to act... friendly co-worker or neighbor. Minimal contact on S11 only. Not showing anger or sadness which shows I'm not detached and gives her control. Over and over again it's as simple as that. Just remove the contempt.
If I don't let go of my anger, I don't detach. If I don't detach, we don't get out of this phase we're in where I can't bear to be near her and she can't feel comfortable around me. If she doesn't ever feel comfortable around me, she won't make any move closer to me and healing will never start.
I know it's still early in my LRT (that's what I'm doing right?), but I can't see warming up to her while she hasn't even said she's reconsidering her A. Until she says something about it, I can't see myself acting much different than I am now... just without the contempt.
So I'm not going to ask her out for coffee or anything like that. I see that she wants to talk, so there are opportunities there to be friendly. I should do that then, right. Meet every time we hand off S11, be cordial, return her greeting, return her conversation, make it brief and say good bye.
B/c right now it's possible you may be thinking I'm being a dick again. How can I possibly make room for an R if she feels like sh!t every time she calls or sees me?
I don't know. How should she feel when she sees me? I don't think I know the right answer.
She just texted... "Thanks for your help with the rental."
Funny... the correct response is "You're welcome." But I'm in such a state now that my mind explodes in every possibility of response. What each one means and could do to help or hurt our R.
How should my sorry but unrepentant wayward W feel when she contacts me?
I don't know.
Honestly, I don't know how to get from here to anything better with her.
So I'm ignoring her text.
Last edited by HPoirot; 12/23/1404:09 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014