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Thank you everyone for your comments on the poem. I'm glad it helps.
This is still so hard though. I woke up with horrible thoughts again. Wondering how it's possible for my W to treat me and S11 the way she has. I know much better and still no amount of mind tricks keeps these thoughts away completely.
I told my IC that I felt I enabled my W by leaving. After I told her I knew about her PA, she stopped going out all night and on weekends. Part of me wishes I'd stayed or had her here in the condo so that could continue and we could have a chance to connect again.
My IC said no, I did the right thing leaving. To get S11 away from a toxic place. For me to get better. Honestly, i feel I've gotten worse. Before I could at least be nice to W knowing where she was. Now I have too much time to wonder what she's doing. Still asking myself how she could think I would have Christmas with her. Stupid thoughts I can't afford to think. Very painful thoughts. I hard to accept she'd be away from her son for so long. That she let me take him here to the condo.
She is who she is now. I want very badly to detach from that person but I know that wanting keeps me attached. Now that she's not here I see there's a whole new set of challenges to face. Namely I want to speak with her... Want her to explain herself. Everytime I imagine that happening... Me calling or texting to ask her "what the hell are you doing?" I see how weak that is. Then I feel more hurt. Nothing I can do about her. Let her go and find something to really enjoy today.
My next IC meet is in 2 weeks.
I'm on day #10 here in the condo.
I think it's day #4 without a drink.
Today I'll go for a run. Eat right then treat myself to ice cream.
Just keep going.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014