Journaling...

This being in pain and alone without drinking is tough. I spent today by myself. Got the car starter replaced... read my success book... researched some concrete ways to meet my goals. Took 2 long walks today from the car repair garage and back. Ate pretty well... looks like I put on some weight. Didn't go to the gym but I will tomorrow. Took 2 long naps. Sitting still brings on the pain... so I don't sit still too long.

Decided my main goal in therapy starting Monday will be to detach from my W and the outcome of this sitch. Thought about 25 saying my self-esteem is low and I agree it is so I'll look for help there too. Noted how much I wanted a drink today... that and/or a woman's company. Walking around the mall today to buy some workout pants, noticed my desire to approach women. Found I'll need to focus on living independently and getting my happiness and worth from within in therapy too.

My OW from 5 years ago called me again today. She was on her morning walk with her dogs near the water on a warm beautiful day where she was. She described her view to me. We grew up together going to the beach in the warm sun. She knows how much I like that.

We had a nice talk about how I'm feeling, what I'm going through, and how she's working to make happiness for herself. We talked about how I have no close friendships here and how that happened. How we both have felt in our lives we didn't have a real home while living in cold weather. It's why she moved her family to the sun... to be happier. It seems to work for her... that and she keeps busy on her own projects. I talked about how I feel now trapped in this city where it's cold and how I never made the effort to really live here... to find inspiring things that I loved to do here. I know that's a big part of why I'm in this sitch now. I told her about my goals to find happiness here.

She was very supportive and it was the best part of my day that she called. I'm aware I can't depend on her as I have to finally be really self-sufficient and quickly. And she is not my Plan B. She's decided to make her M work like I would prefer my W to do. I have a chance and the motivation to really become the person I want to be.

Just keep going.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014