Thank you 25 for your post and very direct comments. I did use your "SO WHAT?" suggestion when my W texted "Reconsider having Christmas together?" I see it's just what I have to do here like everything else. I don't have to like it... just do it.

Ridiculous how I feel guilt like I abandoned and hurt my W after everything that's happened. But I do and I'm hurting myself very badly. So yes I've been hiding here this week... wanting to not be her LBH for a while b/c yes I can't handle her and her behavior right now. I didn't let myself do that being so sensitive to her contacting me.

She sent another text... "I am sorry I hurt you. More than you can know." I didn't respond... not even with a truth dart. I will next time.

The couple times we looked at each other this week, her eyes were so wide and she looked at me so sad like she wanted something. Otherwise, we don't even say hello to each other. Our handoffs of S11 are at a distance. I'm creating that distance. So what.

I'm still feeling a lot of pain... and my son saw me crying last night. We had a talk about how it's OK to cry and holding in your feelings only hurts more. He was going to call his mom when he saw me crying and I told him not to. Told him not to tell his mom anything about me.

He was so nice to me last night trying to help me. I ran out of alcohol the night before which was good as I was better yesterday. By the evening, though, I was hurting so badly I wanted a drink. Driving home from the grocery I was going to stop and pick up some beer. My son says, "you don't need beer to be happy dad." He told me to think of things that make me happy... the same thing I told him the first night in the condo. I didn't get the beer. Drank half of his root beer instead.

Yesterday I stopped by the old house to get the HDTV for S11. She knew I was picking up the TV. Saw her vodka bottle out and nearly empty. Saw a notepad that she listed her monthly apartment and living expenses on. It will be very tight for her. I saw that W had a new book by the bed... where she leaves the book she is currently reading... called "Love Sense." It's a book about the science of love and how to keep or recapture it in struggling long term relationships.

I fought not to mind read but did buy the book myself. Read it last night. I saw our R described in that book... how it got to where we are and how it can recover from there with help. There was a story in it about a couple where the W had and A and fell in love with the AP and wanted out of the M. The couple had similar lack of connection issues to me and W. The story showed how, with emotion focused therapy (EFT) help and time and patience, the couple recaptured passion and saved their M.

Hope has been a very dangerous thing with me in this sitch. Extremely painful. The book was very educational and a little comforting for me and I'll leave it at that.

S11 is away this weekend until Sunday evening with W. I have plans to work... to go to the gym... to get the car fixed.

I was very sad this morning, though. Cried again and felt pissed about it after. I wasn't going to post for a few days... but I find the sharing and support helps me feel stronger so here I am again.

Good thing, I find it easer to recover from sadness. Remembering to be positive, confident, and emotionally stable like jCred said in is post.

Being consistently emotionally stable is still an issue... so I do have my first IC appointment for Monday. Considering antidepressants.

I did look at the TED talks 25. I just have to remember to use the tools when needed. I do make myself smile and use positive body language... like this morning when I walked past W's car after she picked up S11. (We didn't speak again this morning.) I admit I want to reach out to her and ask her what she's thinking.

But yes, I let her take up WAY too much space in my head/heart. She threw that away.

My head/heart have better things to do.

Last edited by HPoirot; 12/19/14 02:45 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014