Recap on my situation At the beginning of September my W and I had very large disagreement which started with her being upset and me pushing her very hard and very unfairly about why she always seem to shut me out. The end result of this was that she said she doesnít love me and doesnít want to be together anymore. Since then she has been in a separate bedrooms but we are still in the same house with our 2 children aged 3.5 and 1.5.
My wife wants a divorce and is planning on moving out as soon as the purchase of her new house goes through. There is a draft separation agreement in place under which I will buy out her half of the equity in the property.
I subsequently discovered, through less than noble means, that my wife had slept with a guy at her work place about a week after BD. At the same time i found out that she had wanted to sleep with him for a while but felt she had to break up with me first as she didnít want to cheat on me. Most of this information came from a conversation she had with her poisonous friend (PF) which also revealed that: - My wife regretted marrying me and that she knew she was making a mistake on our wedding day - That she is not attracted to me in the slightest and that she feels sick to think she has had sex with me - That she thinks iím Ďa lying, manipulative $hití - The only good thing to have come from our relationship is the kids - That i am Ďan emotionally abusive bullyí and that i Ďdrove a wedgeí between her and her family - That she has made arrangements to file for divorce the day after she moves out (fault divorce blaming me)
Since BD, my wifes OM situation has been a bit of a saga. - She had a couple of one night things with OM1 but he wasnít interested in anything more, W continued to pursue - W went out seeking a ONS with someone Ďrandomí Ė donít know if she was successful - W met with an ex (OM2) to see if there was anything there, spent the night and then bought lingerie for the return visit a week later. I think this was just a booty call - OM1 has decided he does want more. They spent Tuesday night (9/12/14) together and are spending this weekend at his place in London. This has massively improved Wís general mood
She continues to deny there being any other men though her lies are flimsy at best. She mistrusts me and some of that mistrust is justified.
Since BD my wife has been quite cold and distant. In the first few weeks she was upset and drank heavily though this has tailed off significantly. She is uncomfortable being around me and the kids and has described me playing with the kids as Ďsickly parenting modeí. The open hostility has tailed off though she has been cold, distant and resolute throughout. There has been limited contact between us about anything other than the kids though i have had a few relationship conversations with her. Iíll cover that off separately. If i initiate contact about something important (lawyers, kids etc.) she doesnít respond, however if i take actions that concern her then tell her about it I get an immediate response. When we are in the same house she will shut herself in her room as soon as the kids are in bed, unless Iím going out.
Each morning she comes into my bedroom and has a cup of coffee on the bed next to me while we get the kids up. The conversation is usually polite though of late has been friendly and chatty. This is reflective of her improved mood. I can often make her smile and laugh in these chats.
Iím doing ok with most of the 37 rules but my biggest issue is learning to STFU.
What was wrong in our marriage? Lots wrong in our marriage, some of it specific incidents others more general patterns of behaviour Ė in any case things havenít been good for over 3 years. At the same time i still believe that fundamentally, if we were to work through the key issues we could have a very happy life together. I wonít look to rehash all that Iíve said about this before and go through the specifics of every incident. Iíve also said a few times what my wife says she thinks was wrong in our marriage.
This time Iím going to go with what i think was wrong (in no particular order). - We are both conflict avoiders which meant issues werenít dealt with, they were instead festered upon and turned into resentments. Issues were only bought up by either side in a highly charged emotional state. - There were a couple of significant incidents where my W was emotionally very hurt by me which i donít believe she forgave me for - My wife felt I let her down a number of times when she needed me. Sometimes this was because I didnít understand what she wanted/needed me to do. Other times its because i thought i knew better - I always make everything about me - I thought we had agreement on certain decisions where my wife felt bullied into it - I made sarcastic remarks which I thought were little jokes but in practice hurt and upset my wife - If my wife asked my opinion she would do then do the opposite or tell me that my opinion was wrong. - My wife resisted/controlled physical affection (hugs, kisses etc.) so that they only occurred when and how she wanted. This made me feel rejected and so i withdrew. I developed some odd reactions Ė if i initiated, I immediately withdrew apologising and feeling guilty for violating a physical touch boundary. My wife sometimes told me to stop being stupid and other times complained when I touched her. - Our sex life was very stunted and entirely controlled by my wife. she had said was due to her post childbirth body confidence issues but i now believe was due to the damage in our emotional connection. Either way this made me anxious and affected quality as well as frequency - I gave my wife lots of space and time to deal with her upset and confidence issues as i thought this was the right thing to do, this was interpreted as unsupportive and uncaring - I took things literally when i should have read between the lines - Several times i did things to help my wife when she struggled with childcare though i now realise we followed the drama triangle (rescuer,persecuter,victim) to the letter. - If i felt rejected, ignored or frustrated i sulked - We both had a victim mindset and were therefore defensive - We both used covert contracts - I made lots of comments negatively comparing myself to others and implying my wife wanted someone else, although this was due to my own issues my wife took that as me not trusting her - There was very limited Ďdatingí between us to keep the relationship alive due to difficulties with going out (lack of acceptable babysitters, wife always tired).
Iíve identified a lot of things about me that i need to change and improve which has a lot to do with how I process emotions, read social situations and think of myself. Certainly I seem to be a co-dependent, low self esteem, socially anxious, egotistical Ďnice-guyí although based on some of what has come up about me it seems credible that I may also have Aspergers and/or ADD (looking into this with my doctor and my mum told me today she always thought I might)
So whatís next? Well I need to continue the work on me and there is a lot of work. The low self worth runs really deep and makes me very insecure. Being betrayed and rejected by my wife certainly hasnít helped.
My wife is moving out at some point but Iím not sure when Ė I could chase this through my solicitors in order to not seem like Iím obstructing but at the same time DR seems to say make them do all the chasing. When she does move we will both have VERY tight finances as opposed to are relatively healthy shared finances at the moment
The affair with OM1 is only just getting going properly now (after casual encounters and false starts) and given that they known each other well for a while and have had this slow considered start to their relationship I seriously doubt it will be a short lived thing. And that also means that i need to prepare myself for when he is introduced to my kids
I think Iím coming to the conclusion that if there is to be reconciliation it wonít be this side of 2016 given all the other stuff that has to be overcome and it wonít be before the divorce is finalised. I still want that but itís just not realistic. Which really makes me question am I prepared to spend 18 months or more pining for someone who doesnít want me (thatís more than half the length of our marriage) or should I just accept Iím to be divorced and move on with my life. If we are meant to get back together then we will, if we arenít then I will still be a better version of me for whatever, whoever comes next.
All of which leads me to the most pressing decision i need to make
Should I file for divorce or not? Under UK law there is a 2 year wait before a no fault divorce can take place. Prior to that it has to be because of unreasonable behaviour (such as abuse) or adultery by one of the parties. This can be contested but there is no point due to the massive cost and in most cases the same end result Ė divorce.
Finalising the divorce is beneficial as until then financial claims/issues cannot be fully resolved and if we are to lead separate lives this protects us both (though technically i think she has more to lose by not finalising).
I know my wife intended to pursue a fault divorce accusing me of emotional abuse as soon as the house purchase goes through and iím really uncomfortable their being a piece of legal paperwork that says this. Lets say in 15 year my kids ask Ė well there is now a piece of paper that Ďprovesí daddy was a bully because he admitted it.
By filling first it puts the fault on her and either her adultery or the requirements are sufficiently woolly that i could cite unreasonable behaviour Ė this protects me more in the long term but obviously isnít going to be received very well by my W. Not really keeping the way home smooth.
So my options are 1) Trust she wonít file before the 2 year no fault deadline 2) File first 3) Wait for her to file and accept fault 4) Wait for her to file and contest (massively expensive) 5) Talk to her about it (and ignore all her other current dishonesty)
Iíve got a week or so to make this decision I think so Iíll keep mulling it over.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress