I think my anxiety is worsened by the fact that most men in my family (especially on my dad's side) typically don't live past 60, even though none of them smoke. I have a 50% chance of having polycystic kidneys, and heart problems run in our family. My dad and uncle died two years ago in their mid-50's from natural causes. Grandpa died early. I've always been aware of this, never really fearful of it. But I always wanted to have my kids young so I could see as much of their life as possible. I was already anxious by not having my first until I was 27 (I wanted to when we were first married, but it took WAW 5 years after marriage to finally agree). But then we had a beautiful daughter, and I calmed down, thinking everything was going to work out like I dreamed. The peak of my dream was about 11 months ago...W still in love with me (or so I thought), pregnant with #2, us settling in as parents. Everything was beautiful, it was the happiest I've ever been. Miscarriage, separation, W dating around now, upcoming divorce, 1/2 of my daughter's childhood taken from me, so I have crashed from the happiest period of my life to by far the least happy. And I really don't know how to deal with this pain because I've never been unhappy for extended periods of time. Even when my dad died, I processed it quicker than normal because he had been in bad health for a decade. He lived years longer than any doctor thought he would. So when he died, I had already pre-processed a lot of it. I'd already been through all five stages of grief beforehand. Of course I had to go back through them again when it became apparent that it was time, but it was much quicker than if someone suddenly lost their parent at that age. I was in pain for maybe a month, although of course I still miss him from time to time.

But obviously my plan was not God's plan, and I should be happy with what I have, not unhappy with what I don't get. I know that in my brain, I just can't feel it yet. And I am absolutely starved for real connection with people now. I haven't had a really close friend in a few years. WAW was my only real companion. I'm not craving a romantic relationship, I'm craving real friendship and community. I love my mom and sisters, but my mom is primarily focused on D2, my middle sister (who also still lives at home) depresses me (she is very judgmental, isolated, judgmental, no close friends anymore that I know of, has never dated even though she's pretty), and my youngest sister (who is awesome) is currently living on the other side of the country.

Another bit of anxiety I have with living with my mom is the fact that I will be even less of a dad for D2. I feel like I've already been halved once with WAW moving out, now I've realized that moving in with D2's very involved grandma will mean I'm never ever alone with her, especially during the winter when it's harder to take her outside. That is temporary, of course, and will be over when I move out on my own. Just another thing causing me grief right now.


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16