Thanks BA! I appreciate the barometer check. I just don't know if suicidal ideation is one of those things people who would never act on it might lose their mind for a second and do it by accident. I don't know. Seems really unlikely. Never had to wonder about it before. But since you didn't sleep at a Holiday Express last night perhaps I should get another opinion.

I think the worst effect on my everyday life is that I just can't do for my kids when I feel like crawling under a rock. With S14's issues, I would have to actually spend part of my workday evaluating his missing assignments and working with him directly to organize and do his work, and I'm good for about a 1/2 hour of sitting on him to study and then I just can't seem to care enough to try for another hour. And they eat too much McDonalds, and live in a dusty house. I think I hit the most important marks but I can't get them to go to school or succeed there if they can't do it for themselves, right now. And everyone else seems to be checking homework and organizing college visits...I feel pretty lame as a mom. Oh yeah I was supposed to stop beating up on myself about that. Forgot.

I would like to stop defining myself by the fact that my H left, and everyday feeling like our finances, coping ability, food, quality of life, everything is suffering because he left. I want to get to where the fact that he left is only a small part of how we're doing. So, I need to take a Dave Ramsey course, take control of my finances, fix my separation agreement, get a divorce, and stand on my own two feet.

Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
Happiness is a warm puppy.