In a nutshell for anyone who doesn't want to read all the dreary details: my STBX is less a WAS and more of a runaway one. After completing a cross country move amost two years ago to be closer to my family, on July 21st he kissed me goodbye to go to work, got in a motorcycle accident, didn't come home for a day, and on July 23rd announced he was having an affair and that he wanted a divorce via note. Although he denied it with a great deal of righteous indignation, he actually immediately moved in with OW (he claims their relationship only began two weeks prior) about an hour away (closer to his work). For the first two months, I vigorously jumped into LRT, GAL and 180s, hired a DB coach and got him to agree to a 6 month cooling off period. Alomg the way he admitted to another affair in our previous state (they were still in contact as of Jan 2014). Then in mid October, he announced he had filed for divorce and 2 days later my 6 year old daughter revealed he was iving with his girlfriend. At that point, I stopped fighting the divorce. I got it through my head that in his mind we have been divorced for a long time and now I'm just helping him sort out the financial and legal details in a way that is most advantageous to my kids and me.
So, why am I still here? Primarily for my own mental health and self improvement. I don't completely discount the idea that someday we might come together as a family again, but I understand that he is on his own journey that I have little to no influence over. In my circle of family and friends there is almost no divorce. My sister divorced shortly after an inadvisable and youthful marriage with no kids or assets involved and that's about it. The statistic about 50% of marriages ending in divorce has never really hit my personal corner of the world, which makes this board so helpful. IRL, my sitch makes me pretty exotic.
I think I'm doing fairly well. I've entered into some GAL activities that are both rewarding and entertaining, got my financial house in order and have a pretty good PMA most days. The rollercoaster has had far fewer dips and hills the last month, maybe that is a temporary thing. I still have some trouble sleeping through the night, but I find if I mentally exhaust myself (via courses for work, studying another language etc) I do much better. I do have an appt for a physical this week just to make sure I haven't developed any physical side effects and duh, I probably need to have a full STD panel.
My kids are doing ok, I think. Although I worry what is going on in the head of D6 -this weekend she referred to her dad's "giiiiiirlllfriiieeend" with all the snotty hateur of a full blown tween. Since I don't discuss OW, I don't think she got that from me. We did have a lovely extended Thanksgiving weekend. We cut down our own Christmas tree, rehearsed for the church pageant, decorated the house and threw ourselves in Christmas cookie baking.
My feelings about STBX are difficult to sort out. I don't hate him, but I have very few positive emotions towards him right now. I'm actually sort of .....repelled by him at the moment. I've had to explain the situation a couple times recently (to a new IC and our pastor) and when I say all the stuff about him moving in with OW and immediately exposing kids to her out loud, it just sort of hammers home how bad his behavior is right now. I know that at some point I have to forgive him. He's the father of my children and for their sake I need to build some sort of positive relationship with him - but I'm just not there yet.
What's going on with STBX? I have no idea. Both my IC and DB coach thought he was in full MLC, I'm not so sure. I don't know if it matters. Before filing the divorce he occasionally spewed a bit (although pretty mild compared to other threads I've read). Since I've started cooperating with the divorce, he has been mostly deferential with some self pity and matyrdom thrown in (he thinks he's being very generous, although he's really not). I think he's pretty entangled with OW. Not sure if the house they live in is hers or if they rented it together, but either way she is subsidizing his life somewhat. I know nothing at all about her, other than she's 40 and works with him. I would bet my paycheck that she has been divorced and that the lawyer he is using was hers as well. She doesn't have children living with her, so she is either childless or has grown children. I confess to being a little concerned, due to her age, that they might jump into having a second family right away, which could be pretty tough for my kids to absorb.
Right now the divorce settlement looks to be about done. I will have kids about 80% of the time although that's a little deceptive since STBX only has them on school nights and I have all the weekends (due primarily to his schedule). If he ever has a schedule with weekends off we will go to the classic "every other weekend" schedule with a few extra days sprinkled in. Finances and property are sorted out. I don't think STBX realizes the tax implications of all of this. We agreed I would file separately this year as head of household and would take the kids as a deductions. With the retirement account that he cashed in to fund all of this - he's looking at a $12,000 tax bill on top of what he has already had withheld.
So to take stock of where things are as I start thread four:
Pros: I live very clos to a supportive family My In Laws, who live far away, have been extremely supportive (alas they are semi estranged from STBX since his announcement, but I'm hoping that will improve) I'm an introvert, but I have a lifetime of close friends who have rallied round. I am well employed. My kids are doing reasonably well under the circumstances I live in a community that I love and attend a wonderful church
Cons There is going to be an enormous amount of household upkeep that I need to figure out (we live on 10 acres) Relationship with STBX is still pretty rocky, although civil at the moment I don't really trust STBX to do the "right things" with the kids Its still an awful lot of change to absorb