Hi, this is my first post, but I've been lurking! Been with OH 11 years, married for 5 - very happily - or so I thought... He works away part of the week. SS13 from his previous marriage - Lives with us at weekends.
Back in Feb, OH left his work emails open and I went to use his PC. I noticed a number of emails to a female colleague with no subject line. Read them and realised this had become more than a friendship. OH admitted a couple of dates, and broke off the EA straightaway. Was shaken, but thought we were ok - OH quite low - saying he needed to make a big change in his life. Told me he had become quite depressed, felt he had tried to tell me, and I hadn't managed to understand how bad. That I kept suggesting superficial things to improve situation. He has a point there - and he also has realised he didn't bluntly tell me he had reached crisis point. So, he "got frustrated and sought comfort elsewhere."
OW left the company in May and moved abroad to move in with her partner. In July, OH rang me to say he needed to fly out and see her. Was devastated. He went over there, and emailed me to say they'd been having a PA since April. I moved out that day, and am living with my parents for now. The A has continued, and she's now split with her OH. He isn't aware of the A. She had an A with him too, which broke up his marriage. Then she cheated on him with my OH.
H keen to be honest and answered all Q's I asked about the A - willingly and openly I felt. He said the dishonesty was one of the worst things ever happened to him and he couldn't bear it. He's been out to see her about once a month since July. At first, he & I kept in touch by phone once a week or so. Talked a lot about our R and why the A happened etc. He just keeps saying he loves me and respects me but isn't sure what he wants. Wants to be very careful. Knows how much he has hurt me. But he has feelings for her. Their R seems pretty up & down. He finds her distant sometimes and doesn't always feel treasured by her. Says she doesn't treat him well sometimes. Told me he was happier in our R.
He and I have also met up once. Had a good visit. Friendly, talked a lot. Had a little hug. This was in the early stages and I wasn't sure he would visit her again, but he has. He told me how strong his feelings were for me after that visit. He felt it would be the easiest thing to fall back into a romance with me. Hold my hand, feel swept away. He said we shouldn't meet again as his self control is low. I told him there is no chance he and I will have a 'romance' whilst he is involved with someone else. That he has a decision to make and so do I.
Last time we spoke, he had started reading self help books and was thinking of seeing a therapist. I have kept in touch, asked Qs, listened, reported my feelings and not pushed. But I began to feel that by remaining in the picture, I was almost supporting the A. Being a point on the triangle.
Couple of weeks ago I decided it was time to withdraw. Told OH I can't stay with M&D forever and am looking for a rental flat. Told him he can link with our pet service direct (not thru me) and have stopped calling/texting (other than occasional functional texts.) It isn't easy though, and I would welcome any thoughts or comments. You all seem so wise. I am working on my own life. Have found some work here, started a fitness class, joined a book club and am volunteering in a local shop, joined an art class...seeing friends etc.
I just can't understand why he says he still feels about me that way, but doesn't end the A when our M is hanging by a thread. But, yes I know - GAL and stop trying to second guess him! Hello to you all anyway x
Sent from my iPad
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus