H texted me today to see if I could meet him at the bike store to finish my birthday present bike adjustment. No notice as usual, but I was available. I had mixed up feelings about riding back and forth in the car with him and letting him spend money on me. Went anyway, because I feel like it would kill me to be rude or cause him to feel bad, and I was appreciative and even smiled at him, probably the first time I've smiled AT him in years. It was an effort, but I thought he was trying very hard to be a good guy and expected to have that acknowledged. I know why I'm like this, and at least my instincts told me up front to have an uncomfortable feeling about it, but I still squelch them to behave as others expect me to.

Anyway, it was thoughtful of him. On the way to the bike shop I mentioned I was taking the kids to the beach tomorrow and he handed me money to spend there. Again, unexpected, weird, appreciated, but weird. Of course, I'll accept any money he's offering for the good of the kids.

Back home he came in and sat at the kitchen table, facing away from me, for a while. I started dinner, asked if he wanted water and he did not. He was there what seemed like a long time. I thought maybe he had something he wanted to say. I felt uncomfortable. He then left.

I had a nice talk with my wonderful friend later to sort out my feelings. I feel vulnerable because even though I have significantly raised my standards of how I will be treated, and even though I have some firm ideas about what approaching me for reconciliation should look like, and even though I know that if he ever did it would be a long road and a long shot whether it would be successful...I'm still vulnerable to feeling like if he's being nice maybe that means something. I don't want it to, and I don't want to reconcile at this point, and I don't think he does either, so the irrelevance of my thought pattern makes me feel mixed up. The less he's around trying to look like a good guy, the less mixed up I am.

I'm way more sure of myself, assertive, and confident around anyone else, but my borders around him are shaky. It still bothers me that he wants to act like nothing happened, and like he's a wonderful guy who just doesn't happen to live with us. It doesn't feel authentic to me, and I've been trying to be more authentic after a lifetime of feeling pressure to be what's expected. And, well, I'm still mad that he left even if it turned out to be doing us a favor.

Anyway, too much thinking about non-issues. This just stirred up the mud at the bottom of my serenity. I know it'll settle back and be forgotten in a day or two.

Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
Happiness is a warm puppy.