So funny. If I've learned anything through all this, it's that emotions always change. I feel more settled this time. Everything isn't perfect, and there are parts of my life that I could improve, but in the big picture the things that matter are very good. Just thought I'd journal while I'm here.
No, I haven't worked on the separation agreement. Yes, I realize I'm completely holding it up for no apparent reason. No, he hasn't asked about it, and the lack of a deadline or any pressure does help me put it off for more pressing things. I'll get there when I get there.
S14 is adorable. He seems more confident and secure than ever. He talks to me. He still seems addicted to his computer, and he still sleeps till 4 or 5pm if allowed, but he smiles with an uninhibited clarity that makes me feel he's really ok. Not that I'll relax on the counseling and medication that I believe helped get him ok. And we'll still work on getting him tested.
S16 is turning into an adult, and I barely see him. He's out with friends, driving places, "hangin' out." I don't like some of the decisions he makes, but he has heard my values and decided differently. What I like is that he's willing to talk to me about his choices; he's not afraid of me freaking out. The downside of that is, he's not afraid of me. When I catch him, he gets consequences, but we both know he's going to keep drinking beer and chewing tobacco until/unless he decides not to. That he talks to me about it gives me a chance to discuss specifically what about it I'm really concerned about and why. So, not perfect, and a far cry from what other families seem to maintain, but I think he's going to be OK too. He cooks us a meal now and then, and has talked about getting a job, works out at the gym like crazy (very proud of his muscles), and is nicer to his brother than he used to be.
The job is super terrific, just can't say enough about how much I love everything about it so far. Thrilled. Valued!!!! Appreciated, Challenged, Rewarded, Trusted, Respected. Just perfect.
H is a puzzle wrapped in an enigma. He's very weird, and then he's not. Very secretive about his comings and goings. My mind has gone crazy thinking...he's gay...oh - he's a cross dresser...he's in a relationship with his housemate...oh, who knows. Maybe he's secretive because he's unhinged, but it feels easier to me to think he's taking care of himself and someday the reason why will be more clear. IF that's the case, I wish I weren't a person he didn't feel safe enough to be who he was with. And if not, and he's just how he is because he has emotional difficulties, well, that doesn't hurt me anymore.
So my birthday came and went without a peep from him. The boys and I celebrated, and my family and friends came and modeled for the boys what celebrating someone looks like, and I was very happy. Here it is two weeks later and H happens to be at the house picking up mail, and out of the blue, he says, "By the way for your birthday present I thought I'd get the post on your bike switched out and better handles so that your hands don't get numb; it's never been the right fit for you. Is that OK?" I was taken aback, but tried to convey my pleasure in my "sure!" Anyway, it's nice of him and thoughtful, and completely unexpected.
Weight watchers is going great - I'm a comfortable 2 lb below goal and proud of my success, determined to continue taking good care of myself.
Enjoying my close friendships. I was thinking that these must stay close when I start dating again. I've realized how important it is for me to be in close relationships with women; we fulfill needs in each other that are different from what a romantic relationship can provide and I feel like it's a necessary part of being a well rounded healthy person.
I think more often about beginning to explore dating. I haven't worn my ring for a couple of months, but it takes longer than that for the ring mark to disappear. I think I will look "recently separated" as long as that indent is there!
Lots to do. Long post, but the mood struck to give a status update. Hope my friends here are doing well too!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.