I posted this in my thread a while ago..... I came across this from a website.

There are 6 levels and in any given situation you try to do the highest level possible. You won't always be able to do level 6 and sometimes level 1 will be the highest you'll be able to do given the situation.

Level 1- just being present. Undivided attention, put your phone down, look into eyes, saying uh huh, etc. pretty straight forward. Basically just listen attentively.

Level 2- accurate reflection. Summarize what other person said with no judgement and with authenticity. "Sounds like you're upset because blah blah blah". Sometimes this type of validation helps someone sort through their thoughts and separate thoughts from emotions.

Level 3- mind reading emotion. I know mind reading is a no no but in this case it's ok. Sometimes they won't flat out say what they're feeling so mind reading what they feel can help. When someone is describing a situation, notice their emotional state. Then either name the emotions you hear or guess at what the person might be feeling. " I'm guessing you're feeling angry because blah blah blah". They may correct you but accepting the correction is validation in itself. It's their feeling and have a right to feel whatever they feel.

Level 4- understanding their feeling based on their past history. If you've done something in the past that you know upsets him like I dunno, called him names, then that experience will be heightened for him. So.. " based on my last behavior I can understand why that would be upsetting to you".

Level 5- normalizing or recognizing emotional reactions that anyone would have. This is helpful if the person you're dealing with is emotionally sensitive. Saying that anyone would get upset in a given situation is validating to an emotionally sensitive person. "Of course you'd be upset, anyone in your position would be".

Level 6- radical genuineness. Understanding the emotion on a very deep level. Maybe the same experience happened to you. Or you can really relate to it. I've felt this way before when my ex has spoken about her friend's baby almost not making it past birth. I was genuinely sad and she could see the expression on my face.

So basically in any given situation try to pick the highest level. When you don't agree you can still validate by using level 2. Or if you really agree you can super validate by using level 6.


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14