I'm unwilling to "be friends and see what happens" whilst he's in contact with the OW. Must you tell him ^^this? If so, Why?
Chances are It will sound punitive to him. I know you want to protect yourself but that does not require informing him of your new label. The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend them. Your belief, perhaps, is that you'd be "rewarding" him by not cutting him off. OR he'd be cake eating. But you can keep that cake eating from happening without telling him "you're NOT my friend"...
You are co-parents. It's clearly in the children's interests to behave civilly. Be civil at all times.
Let me repeat that for emphasis, be civil to him at all times. If there is an affront to you, and it is important, then LEAVE. There is no advantage to you in losing your head, no matter what the provocation.
Believe me, I've envisioned many scenarios in which I could "Justify" losing my head. Many...But never have I imagined one in which I benefit... It's just always in OUR interests to maintain our dignity and honor.
I'm absolutely working on myself & moving forwards, there is probably a lot more I could do though so will have a think what else I can do for me.
I'm going to share some ideas with you that helped me. I GAL big time, even in the winter, while we lived in the interior of Alaska, near a small "city". It was not easy or convenient. Neither is divorce or being a single mom forever.
Oh, I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I get how it's a hassle. But divorce is a bigger hassle.) These are things I did over a 2 year period and they are just that; things I did. But a lot of these things were new to me, fyi.
I was in a place where I knew no one b/c we moved when I was 8 months pregnant with our 3rd child. Frankly, it was the hardest I have ever worked to just feel alright. But honestly I did feel happy, in time.
The lack of sunlight DID bother me, but it's uniquely hard there, and I took some meds for it in the winter.
Just fyi. Okay here we go and yes I did all of these things and more that I have forgotten.
I volunteered at a battered women's shelter. Ended up on the Bd of Directors.
I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too. Often and the reviews were quite favorable.
I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). In fact, I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv in Hollywood. It went very well. (H has still not seen that video)
I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish & I got better at downhill skiing.
I learned to use a snowmobile (aka a "snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding it and it got me outside in the remaining daylight minutes when the older kids got home.
Sometimes the sun would set at 3:30 and I'd rush out before all light was gone, just to get some fresh air outside. For me, the daylight exposure was a big deal.
Learned to fly an airplane, and I got a pilot's license. Very cool, intense.
I was asked to edit a book, which I did. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List in its' genre. Who knew?)
I Worked out 4-5 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape.
Looking good made a world of difference to me. Improved my h's views it seemed.
(Plus I'd just had our last child, and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold LONG winters. But really what choice did I have?)
In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with some mild to moderate depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.
Saw a therapist, and for some months, went on ADs.
Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot & still have my cups and vases and fruit bowl).
Joined the Officer's Wives club, after 15 years of active duty.
(Wish I had joined sooner! Met 2 women who are life long friends.)
Joined a writer's group Took a class in Conversational French Took a class in Italian cooking
Except for pilot training, these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.
Leaving the house and doing ANY of these things requires overcoming inertia. Sometimes that is the main obstacle....inertia.
Fear and Inertia are the greatest enemies to GAL.
I think those who continue NOT really GAL, if they were honest with themselves and dug deep within,
they'd see that some of their marital issues, lay in their having a RUT in the marriage. And getting out of our ruts, matters. The more you change and GAL the more other changes will come more naturally.
Make sense? These are new behaviors you are learning. Laying new tracks in our brains takes consistency and effort and being "mindful".
I'm beginning to feel much better (most days) in myself and more positive about my future regardless of my marriage, Good^^, b/c that is KEY to being an appealing person one wants to be around. Not "needing" someone else to "make us happy". B/C of course WE are happy. We're good folks here, loving, funny, smart, kind, into our children, interested and interesting, etc...
Becoming our best selves is a journey we're all supposed to be making. We just tend to forget.
I'm working on finding myself & it feels good to be slowly feeling more like me again. My H has also noticed and said "he likes who I'm becoming" which is of course a bonus
Very nice to hear. Make sure he knows your changes are really just "getting back to YOU" and that you are happy to be returning to yourself as well, not b/c of him or FOR him, but for you...make sense?
Thanks for the advice, makes a lot of sense & has given me some things to think about.
Good luck, I hope you know you really will be more than alright, regardless of his choices.
Flesh out that vision of life without him, but with you being happy.
Can you tell us any of what that would look like?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016