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TipAnna, its like you say these things here, and I am like, "yup, that's what this feels like" When you talk about the rollercoaster, and I always am getting caught on what to say in response to things the W says. Things that seem friendly or possibly caring about how I feel. I know that's hard.
..it as he wants out, so I am doing things for myself to accept his decision and be better be prepared for that day where he does leave...
I struggle with this myself. I am a planner as well. I have already been blindsided, and tell myself, not again. I need to be prepared. I guess something I am taking from this place is not to seal the deal. I mean, not closing all the doors yet. I plan, and am maneuvering my finances. I have looked at what I can do after. I don't do that when she is here, I make a point to be present at that time. Applying what I am learning here. But when she is gone, I think, I plan. Probably for the similar reasons, so we know what options we have. So with all the hurt they have caused, we can minimize the final blowout should it come. What I hear in this place is just not to pull all our chips in that pot yet.
The family knows about the affair. He called and told them the day he dropped the bomb on me. They did not take it well at the time and it was only last week that he spoke to them again (a month later). Truth is he only became closer to his family a few years after we met. He only made more frequent contact and actual visits to his mom and sister when I came into the picture. His father only came back into his life a few years ago, after a 20-year absence. I agree that I should not be spilling my guts out to his family but they call, daily, to ask how Iím doing or feeling, to tell me "I know this is hardĒ...i hjust donít know how to go about telling them that I am not comfortable sharing these things with them seeing that they are HIS family..
I would think, I may be wrong. But if you really want them to stop calling, couldn't you just be very busy? "cant talk right now, I am on the way out." or something like that. politely excusing yourself, and maybe in the process delivering a message that could get back to him, she is not waiting for you. I may be off base, but just a thought I had reading this.
I appreciate it! I always was the strong one, the go-getter, the planner, so this ďtsunamiĒ that hit me is not as easy to manage as I thought. I try so hard to make it seem that itís all good and ok, that Iíll be better off but truth is I am detaching and now Iím at the phase where I miss him..like he was already gone...make sense?
You are the strong one! I think everyone here is showing great strength. I mean I imagine some people just give up. I mean I think everyone going through things like this here, well, we are here today. We made it through yesterday, and the day before. Its not much easier. It is so difficult, and I know I have questioned whether I can keep this up. But the next day comes and I have. Give yourself more credit, you are still here. I don't mean here on the site, I mean still standing. Try not to dwell on the thoughts of missing him. In my OP, it is ok to sit in it for a brief period, feel the sadness, and acknowledge it. Really feel it. But then have something lined up that you enjoy and will distract you. I do this to control the dose if you will. I try and make time, to feel sometimes, because after, when I am done, and I am off doing something fun, those overwhelming feeling are easier held at bay.
I think of when the bomb dropped, it was all at once. It was so painful and shocking. I think by doing this now, it will make it easier should the day come. I remind myself it aint over till its over.
We are the strong ones, we held true. We are the ones who DO have power. I don't usually quote movies, but I just saw "After earth" the will smith movie. It was not great BTW. But, there is this whole thing about fear.
The point of it is that fear is a made up emotion in our minds.
All the what if's, all the possible outcomes, the fear, anxiety, that all comes from our minds. Now it is in response to what's happening around us. Danger is real, pain is real. But the feelings, reactions, concerns, doubts, questions, all the feelings, they all come from our minds. The one person we can control.
Easier said than done I know. But I thought it was interesting. I mean we feel fear, we feel sadness. But we make that in our minds. So there must be a way to control that. Maybe not stop it completely, but I have been paying attention to it. Why I am said right this moment? What is that doing for me? Sometimes I need it, other times, I unintentionally let it consume me. I took from this, that if I I keep aware of that thought, I am more in control of it. So those waves of sadness that seem to just hit us, maybe we cant stop them, but maybe we can redirect them.
IDK, just my morning thoughts. Keep true to yourself! You are already strong! WE, can get through this, a step at a time. That's all that can be done. Nobody could expect more.
Me:36 Her:35 together 11yrs M 7 1/2yrs lived together 10yrs 2dogs 2cats Mortgage on a house
bomb dropped 01/12/14 Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights I want to stay married