TipAnna, after reading your situation, I agree we are in similar situations. There are some parts here though that catch me. I am relatively new here as well so I am just wondering I guess. Why is it your job to make him food? I ask because I cant get my WAW to eat, lol. What I mean is I have offered in the past few weeks, and she turns it down. I was the cook in our house. She does not like to. I know more recently when I buy groceries, I buy what I like. I no longer buy her foods. That is up to her. If she wants to eat poorly, that's not my responsibility. I saw what I was doing as pursuing her. I was still "caretaking." Whats' for dinner? A big dose of reality for him. What I have been doing is making these great meals for myself. When she gets home, she just eats cereal. That's her choice. My cooking, is part of the package. If he wants out, than he needs to understand what that will mean. Now anyone correct me if this is wrong, this is just my OP.
I said "Sure". He added, "I will be home tonight, it would be nice if I had some dinner.” I said, "Yes, sorry I misunderstood, dinner is already made for you".
I just want to also say it, because when it has been said to me it feels good. You are not alone. I am struggling with living with my W, who goes out overnight with OM. It is one of the hardest periods of my life. Part because you are there, in the house. I have our wedding pics all over, starring at me. I am not packing, but I have been simplifying my possessions. Doing some "spring cleaning" I guess. My other motive with it is that it will be easier for me to move. I also sit in Limbo as far as M goes. Waiting for her to decide our future. I can only work on me. Also when I feel that way, like I cant handle her being here, that's one of my times to go do something somewhere else. Even another room. It has given some space from where the comments were made, and from them. Even if I just go to the bedroom and read.
I do not think I did anything wrong although he still seems upset at me. On the other hand, I should not overanalyze his behavior but living with him until I get to leave, is torture...
The last part of what you said about his family. that also seems odd to me. I mean, my Step family, dropped me so fast. I was shocked. All the years of them saying how much they loved me, how I was such a big part of the family. Just stopped cold. Just before the bomb dropped, I had confided in her mother that I was worried about her. She was not very worried. Although pretty positive her family does not know about the A. But that was it no talking afterward. I have thought about calling the mom, but have decided there would be no benefit. I had initially though because I think that's what families do. If one person is hurting, they should pull together to help that person. However, I see now that was more of an act for them. So, I find it interesting that they do want to make contact with you. you could interpret that a number of ways. I understand they have 1st hand exp, but it still seems odd.
In my OP, it could be a good thing. Does he also talk to them? Or in the past was he communicating with them often? I know what your plans are and what your doing should not be talked about with them as it would be similar to you telling H what your doing. But when they call what do you tell them when they ask how your doing, etc? I might suggest if you have not already, positive things you are doing. I don't think it would be good to severe that line of communication, at least not right now. I think because the future is uncertain, and the benefits, or repercussions of that change are pretty uncertain.
My concern is his family still contacts me whether by phone or text. I was close with his sister and she checks in on me every other day to see “how I’m dealing” or “if I need to talk”. Before, all this, as she was also separated, I found comfort in talking to her because she understood... Her mother was also ‘abandoned’ by her former H who left her for the OW. Therefore, she has actually lived through it! I do not talk to the mom anymore but remain pleasant when she calls the house cause I think she is having a real hard time with all this, brings back memories she says (Like father like son, I say..lol). My question is: Do I tell them to stop calling me because I need space or time to heal? I know Sandy says not to contact his family but they are the ones calling me. WHAT DO I DO?
I just want to add that I am sorry. As you said on my thread, Keep strong! I feel like the only control we have is over ourselves and what we do. Those times that are harder than the rest, your still here. Someone told me to think about how I felt when the bomb dropped. I'll tell you, I felt hopeless, but we are still here. We all made it through a bomb drop here. I mean that is part of why I keep coming back here. Everywhere else I have looked, ppl have opinions, but don't know first hand. This has been the one place, they do know. you, me, others here, know exactly how this feels, and for most, it is fresh in our minds. Just keep getting yourself back to right now, this moment. No planning, just what is next right this moment. I know I am new, and a bit wordy, lol, but I share your feelings and it hits home.
Me:36 Her:35 together 11yrs M 7 1/2yrs lived together 10yrs 2dogs 2cats Mortgage on a house
bomb dropped 01/12/14 Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights I want to stay married