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• Don't initiate conversation or give advice (even if they asked for the advice, refrain from giving it). o I never initiate the conversation anymore...i always let him be the one to talk first, I listen, and respond...I don’t want to be cold or mean. So I do laugh when he tries to joke, or ask about him, his day, if he asked me...maybe I should downplay it even more...but themn I think I’ll be rude..therefore, I will need to test this...
• Abstain from trying to change or improve your partner in any way. o None of that! He is the one being in charge on HIS decisions. Although I will say, “I’m happy he went to see the doctor, for example”...
• Do not seek his emotional support or help with any of your problems, concerns, or worries. o I might have slipped at the beginning when I needed some validation that we can maybe save the marriage but now, I am the happiest person on earth (or so it appears !
• Do not look to him as someone to talk to. o I have my friends for that. Any conversation with H is regarding our dog, and responding to his how was your day?
• If you've been babying him, stop. o Maybe I have been feeling sorry for him more than babying him...
• Identify whatever you are doing for him, and stop doing it.An example of this is: stop doing his laundry, picking up after him, cooking especially for him, or waiting on or for him. o I do not do his laundry. o I do not clean up after him: his bedroom and the basement are filthy! o I will make supper for myself and double the batch for him (that is ok, right? I do not know how to cook for one! Moreover, is not that mean?) o I do make his lunches (NO MORE!) o If he asks, I will drive him somewhere but this has only happened twice... Stop "keeping the peace". If you have been intervening between him and others, be it children, family or friends, stop doing so.
• He needs to learn how to interact w/others all on his own. o He actually does not talk to anyone, not his friends, not his family, the only person he is still speaking with is the OW and maybe his classmates cause they need to interact...
• Do not initiate expressions of affection, such as hugging, kissing and saying "I love you," or "I'll miss you," or asking questions such as "Do you love me?" o Nope...separate rooms, no affection at all...as per my previous post, I even declined going to play “dummy” to his massage school cause , as I told him, I was not comfortable him touching me when he’s also touching someone else..
• Do not appease your partner sexually any longer. o Hell, no! He is not getting any of this...
• Do not plan your schedule around his, and do not do things for him. o I schedule my time for myself but I should stop making his lunches and “driving” him... • This is not the time for a romantic vacation or second honeymoon. o Yeah, right!
• If he spends his spare time at home, arrange to be out while he is there. o It’s kind of hard to always find something to do everynight1 I’ll go for a walk one night, to the library the next...but I can’t always be ouit cause he’s home, right?
• Do things with family and friends or by yourself. o I see my friends, coffee, dinner, or go out alone, just to get out...
• In short, do as little as possible for him or with him, with the goal of doing absolutely nothing. o Ok, will start implementing ASAP
My concern right now is that he has mentioned that I always seem like I don't care, that I am not affectionate enough towards him. He also said early on that "he wished I'd get and, to show that I care". Besides my one little outburst, I have not pursued, begged, pleaded, or tried to reason. I went straight into the LRT as soon as he told me about the A. I am sure that this OW is fulfilling something emotional more than physical so I'm worried that by applying the above, I am only pushing him away further..I know that it's seems counter intuitive and I should do so anyways..
Me: 36 H: 36 No kids EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014 Separate bedrooms/still living together