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On Friday, I decided I would go talk to a social worker we have a work to get some perspective on my situation. Well, she said that I need to find an outlet for all my emotions...so I did.my H! When he told me the news of the affair, his confusion, blah, blah...I took a deep breath and walked away and never did I let him know what I felt or thought (one of my faults is that I am not really affectionate or emotional). So I walked in the house and when he asked me how my session went, I told him. I told him that he hurt me, how I don't understand how he can cheat on me, how he was selfish. I also mentioned that I knew our marriage wasn't perfect but I never went outside our marriage. I set down my boundaries and let him know that 1) I will not tolerate him going out every other night (or skip work) and spending our money on the OW 2) To let me know if he won't be coming home so I can make sure I'll be there to walk and feed the dog in time 3) That I will not live in a threesome, so he needs to cut her off, decide whether he wants to stay, but if he can't stop seeing her, he'll need to leave. 4) Seek help for his depression so he can clear his head and make a decision. He listened and then said, "Ok...I'll stop seeing her, make an app with a psych, and take it from there..."
He spent all of Saturday home, mopping, watching TV, playing video games...I kept busy cleaning, reading, walking...
On Sunday, he works, so I offered to drive him. He said, "You don’t have to although I appreciate it" and I said, “I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to". Dropped him off at work, and went out for brunch with friends and then I went grocery shopping. He didn’t come home right after work. He’s usually home by 18:00. At 19:30, I sent him a text asking to let me know he’s ok. Nothing. I packed my bags and got ready to call my parents to let them know I was moving in! However, alas, I was acting out of emotion, so I took a deep breath and made supper instead. At 20:44, he replied, “he was on his way home”. He walked in around 21:30, said he was sorry but needed time to think, that he feels that he can’t do that at home cause “everyone” is on top of him and he has trouble keeping focus due to his clinical depression and having to interact with me, the dog, etc . He needed time for him. I just listened and told him that I understood, and that if he needed more space, that he can let me know and I can leave. He said, “No, this is your home too, this is my problem and that that would not be fair to you”. He actually had dinner with me (instead of running to hide in the basement) and unexpectedly, crying, he said, “it hurt my feelings when you said you thought I was faking my depression”. I said, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, and I honestly do not remember saying that but I know you’re is in turmoil and not faking it”. He said thank you, picked up our dishes and went to the basement. He came up four times to ask if I wanted to go out for a smoke (bad habits come back when you are living in hell!). I joined him twice and walked the dog myself to give him space. We joked, we talked about the Grammy’s and then he asked how my brunch was and how our friends were doing. My best friend is the only one that knows at this time and I told him, that if he’s worried about what our friends thought, no one knows, except my BF and she lived through something similar in the past and respects my decision to try to fix us. He nodded, we said goodnight, and went off to our separate beds.
Today, he works late. He woke up with me because he said he wanted to go see his doctor. Midday, I texted to tell him to “bundle up because it was really cold outside”. I left it open ended, no questions. No answer. We’ll see what tonight holds...
I know I’m doing many things wrong but it has only been a little over two weeks since he told me about the affair and the ILYBINILWY, and possible D...so I’m learning to keep it together and apply everything in the DR book. Any insight on what I should not do again or do instead would be great...
Me: 36 H: 36 No kids EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014 Separate bedrooms/still living together