For the spouse who has Walked Away

[Lampstand]

My personal thread hasn't posted yet. Going through a roller coaster of emotions right now. The two biggest are regret and loneliness. For most of the 4 year marriage I viewed my H as an overgrown adolescent and me the suffering parent. I never took his complaints about me seriously. I thought I was doing enough by supporting him financially while he pretending to be too depressed to work a job. He is a recovering addict so I patted myself on the back for "forgiving" him....but did I really?

My main challenge at this point is to restrain myself from chasing him. I feel such overwhelming guilt over forcing him to leave and the cruddy way I treated him.

My problem is that I was "dark" in the marriage so I am confused if that's the right strategy now. I would totally ignore him. I would pretend he wasn't in the room. I would stay up late on the computer to avoid going to bed with him. It got to a point that he quit saying good night and then I got mad that he quit!

Not making excuses but it seems that distance and darkness pushes him away.

How do I create interest and desire for contact with me without smothering him?

I'm really looking at my goals. Obviously the first one is to get him home by his BD (March). But I also realize that his love language is words of affirmation (and as a man he craves admiration) and this was the major thing I denied him. How do I know this is his language? Because it's the one he gives to me the most. It's not my language though! Mine is quality time (which is what I always gave to him through long marathon conversations). He always felt drained while I felt connected.

Since he is living out of state, doesn't want to talk on the phone, and will only communicate by email or IM if I initiate.....not sure what to do. In the past month I've had 4 contacts with him. The last 2 were IM's that lasted over an hour. He made complimentary statements about me and signed off with XXXOOO and said he forgave me already. I haven't contacted him for 3 days. I have marked on the calendar 30 days from now as the soonest I can reach out to him.

Suggestions?