I am going to repost some really insightful posts from TrueGritter that I cut and pasted to my journal. These have really helped me understand why I am choosing to Stand for my M. Think that they maybe helpful to you Pickle and maybe some others here. It is very long, but well worth the time IMO. --------
THE TEMPTATION IN THE FACE OF COMPLETE REJECTION
It is that bargaining process between who you are. YOUR character. VS the EGO or self preservation.
Someone is doing things to you... so naturally you blame them and ask yourself why would I do this for them?
The tempatation is to leave the process...to leave your decision to stand. To leave or try to control your spouse. To attach outcomes to your decision to stand.
This is the step I was missing!
IMO standing is an essential part of the healing process of the LBS. You will constantly questions this throughout. At least I have up to this point.
You will ask yourself questions like "WTF am I doing this for this person?"
In the beginning we want answers.
Why did this happen?
How could they do this? Who am I? What do I believe in? What do my vows mean to me? Why do I hurt?
And the BIG ONE...
What is it about ME that made them leave?
IMO you don't get answers unless you choose to take the hard road, STAND, and go on the journey.
At first you tend to look at it as a quid pro quo- I am willing to do this for a while until I see some progress. IOW you do it EXPECTING some outcome ...
As time goes on and your expectations aren't met you question again...
It is all part to of the journey. You may even have trouble articulating why you are doing this to other people or yourself.
Then you start to look inside....
Then you start to see who YOU are...
Then you realize that this is part of YOU
What you have chosen is part of YOU and your character. So what began out of a search for answers for why and what is wrong with you. Out of hurt for what someone did to you...
You see it all has to do with who YOU are. The best part of who YOU are and then...
It is no longer about what THEY choose or why.
It is about YOU.
I have been trying to figure out what is the source of my wanting to escape, my anxiousness, my dread my fear.
And it is the WHAT IF?
the conditions I place on my life.
What IF W doesn't come back THEN? What IF I stand and W doesn't want M THEN? What IF I make this decision THEN What?
If I place conditions/exceptions to my life then I compromise my life.
When I took my vows did I mean: I will love you all the days of my life, BUT if you get so scared and lose your way then I won't?
It's those damn BUTs! I am stuck because of BUTs
I am paralyzed because of BUTs.
I know what I need to kill now.
When I get up with fear and anxiousness it's because of the fear of what may happen. I want to escape from that fear. The self doubt that creates it.
If you walk out into the world everyday with your truth then there is only...
What was (and you have learned from it) What is (Your truth) What is to come (through living your truth)
There is no regret.
No second guessing.
The only way to fail is to fail yourself.
Several of us, myself included, are moving through this journey and have encountered what I believe is a major sign post.
An essential step.
An awakening of sorts.
I am referring to that moment when one reconciles the dilemna of STANDING.
I have written already about the fact that as we begin this journey we decide to STAND.
We STAND because of what I will call BASE factors
We want our M back
We want our spouse to want us back
We want our spouse to see us as the more desirable option
We want to ease our own pain
We want our own self esteem back
We (may) want to punish spouse by appearing to be morally superior
We want ________ because we get _________ in return.
We STAND on these principles.
We communicate these principles and inevitably we meet with question and resistance.
From family, friends and
Because it is hard for most people to imagine themselves making this decision.
It is a sacrifice of sorts at this stage.
We are looked on as victims of bad behavior, incongruent behavior to REAL LOVE.
So in that light we begin to feel like victims or that we are being taken advantage of in a sense and are perceived as such by the world. A DOORMAT if you will.
As time goes on and those who care about us begin to be more concerned about our mental and emotional health and question more emphatically why we choose to be a DOORMAT.
Or how long will you be a DOORMAT.
Then you begin to doubt yourself and your decision and the focus goes back to your beloved and now you look on them not with eyes of a scourned lover, a left behind, abandoned spouse, but with real scrutiny.
We begin to question why we would SACRIFICE our own happiness and endure such hardship to regain the love of a person who so obviously is not capable of the same for us or even anyone else.
It is then that the MIRACLE happens.
Through all the pain and seemingly fallow soil a sprout
of green punches through...
This growth is something new and it
is OURS, we planted it, we sowed it
For it is certain our seed was trampled upon many times before
it took root.
But it did take root and
it grows, upwardly reaching, toward the light.
The miracle is the love for yourself.
You are no longer the choices your spouse makes
You are no longer whether your M reconciles or not
You are no longer the failures you see in yourself
You are no longer a victim because only YOU can choose to be one.
Then you a FREE
Free to make the choice to STAND for YOURSELF.
This I believe can only be achieved through the decision to STAND in the first place.
Only through that decision can we experience the pain involved to know completely what it means to be free.
What is means to love. -------
What I am speaking of really is love.
This is a choice.
As we move through this journey it is a process of self discovery. The LBS starts out with a lot of hurt and pain and self doubt.
I have already written about this transition from standing out of wanting answers and pain- to doing it as a choice for you.
To get to this point you must have detached completely and also to get here some may decide to go black as you have suggested Time.
I did have to do that for a time.
The choice to love is really to put yourself at risk and we have suffered the greatest pain of that risk in the betrayal that was returned.
When I speak of the light going on and off I mean that those are the conditions. ANY conditions. ANY behaviors that we have let play out from our own fears and weaknesses. These are the things we find in OURSELVES that we want to change. That we MUST change to be who we want to be.
Who we want to be is the LIGHT I speak of. It must be constant and it must be consistent. It cannot be contingent on some suffering that cannot be endured. It cannot be contingent on some action or non-action of your spouse.
To love (as we know it) is to suffer until you see what love is. This is so much part of who I am that it cannot be separated.
Love is the absence of suffering. But that absence of suffering comes from your OWN choice not because:
your spouse decided to come back or decided to be nice to you Or wasn't mean to you Or agreed with you or stopped seeing OP or ANY F@CKING THING.
It is YOUR choice
That is the light that shines.
That is the miracle of which I speak
If you can get to THAT place then you see that your spouse is on their journey and you love them enough to be committed to their growth.
That growth means you step out of the way. You completely let go with love.
If they call you.
Why would you not answer that call?
Only if you still suffer. If you suffer then you are not there yet.
My W will continue to suffer and be in pain. I will no longer be part of that. I choose rather to be part of the solution.
For me that means love of the most extraordinary variety.
For me that means to be the man I am now becoming. ------------
There is something I need to put down here.
I didn't undertsand that I had come through a major part of my journey until I recently looked back.
We start this journey by deciding on which path to take.
The one that leads us here is covered in briars and brambles. It is the tougher road.
What is it we seek at the end?
In the beginning it is to R our M.
And to heal ourselves.
Along the way we do get answers
And we grow and understand.
Now at this point is where we just feel joy at our new found self. Our pain is manageable and we have confidence and courage in ourselves and so we look down the path and keep walking. And now the path is open and the sun shines down on us.
It is this part of the journey that we RECEIVE grace.
I know this has a mystical religious connotation. To me it is the capacity and ability to understand compassion and love.
And in my mind it can be given and received.
Receiving grace is wonderful and it makes us feel like we can go do anything.
When this happened for me I was overcome with joy.
Then I looked back at my W and wondered could she ever get to where I am.
She is really lost, I can't imagine spending my life with someone knowing what I know now, that doesn't get it. That isn't where I am.
What is the upside to me waiting?
Here is where the path diverges again in the wood.
He is where we feel we can choose the path with our new self and live a joyous life. We have finally found the path to happiness.
Was our goal to only come here and heal? To grow and find our new self?
I say to you all thank you for the GRACE you have GIVEN me. I'll be on my way.
Bye MLC/WAS. I know you are just confused and scared and well I really don't think you are capable of being a person I can be with now...
...Now that I am confident and the opposite of the way you made me feel.
Then if I do THAT what makes me any different than what she did to me?
She saw fault in me that she believed could not be changed.
But I am different aren't I?
The temptation in the face of complete rejection?
My spouse continues to reject themselves.
Is this an opportunity for me to live what I believe.
To give the GRACE I have been given.
By leaving my spouse I confirm to them all the doubt they have in themselves, all the doubt they have about love and our M.
I have an opportunity, NOT an obligation.
An opportunity to live the true expression of what I believe it means to love another.
To give grace, to express love with no expectation...
of anything in return.
For me that is standing for my M in the face all doubt.
I know I do not have to say this to her.
My decision and my actions will speak this to her.
Until I have gone long enough so that I am whole.
I don't know how long that is.
I think I will know.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce