Derived from Allen A's guidance:
Originally Posted By: JinBK
I moved things around a little bit, added and deleted:

Talking about histories in front of each other seems to make us argue. I'd like to do that more in our individual sessions. This week, I would like to talk about our goals and the immediate problems that we are facing.

I want this to be clear: my goal for counseling is to save the marriage. I love your family and our life together. Your family is torn apart by these lies and our conflict. This is what infidelity does to people’s lives. It rips them to pieces and puts everyone through unbelievable amount of stress.

The most immediate obstacle to us working as a couple is OW. She is and has been acting as a counter-productive interloper in our marriage. I am unable to move forward and discuss any other problems within our marriage until this matter is settled.

No one believes for a second that you are not having an affair. I have written down a list of all the lies, the evidence that I confronted you with, and why people do not believe you. You have spent too much time alone in secret, too many messages logged and documented, and too many screw-ups at work for anyone to think this is anything other than infidelity run rampant.

I am not going to argue about your involvement with her. You are too fearful to own your mistakes right now and in part I can understand your hesitancy. But make no mistake: no one believes she is "just your friend". No one.

Your lies are destroying everything around you. Your career is at risk because of her distractions. Now your marriage is falling apart as well because you went to her instead of here in this office in the first place.

I am offering you a chance to come clean and admit to the affair. Once you own your affair the exposure will stop. I will not go to S or anyone else in your work world to expose this ugly mistake. You will, however be honest with your family about the lies and the cheating and you will tell them with me present.

If you refuse I will have to take this further into the University and your entire career is then at risk. Infidelity with your students is a serious violation of policy. Infidelity puts projects at risk; you have proven this very much to be the case.

In order to feel safe communicating with you, I need you to cease all contact with OW. After today, we have our individual sessions, then come back together. If you are honest and if you cease contact with OW, we can move forward. There is no way to heal with her in the picture.

I need you to tell her it is over. I need you to end it in front of me and mean it. I need you to remove her presence from your home, in particular your computer. I need you to share your text messages if I ask. I need you to allow me access to your email accounts.

I will be doing likewise. I have absolutely nothing to hide.

It's your turn.


I slept better last night but I still woke up nervous. But at least I know if I read this in front of the therapist we will have a neutral 3rd party who can guide the conversation. She needs to hear this as much as H needs to hear it again. I have been back sliding too much because I want to believe so much that this A isn't happening. But I discovered too much to believe his lies anymore.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time