...you don't just separate, you make sure ALL of your circle of friends know you want to SAVE the marriage and that you want all her friends and family to pressure her to STOP the affair.
You make it WELL KNOWN that you are inviting her to live with the family and improve things, and that if she wants to bring unhealthy practice into the home she has to leave.
You make sure EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
SO if she goes public everyone will KNOW she put OM before her own kids and family... ok?
This is exposure, its not just you throwing her out. When you allow her into the home WHILE she is CHEATING you are VALIDATING the affair allowing that.
When you invite her to leave THAT sends the message that you don't condone affairs.
Yes, she can go public. This will take the secret excitement away from the affair AND if any of your friends or family are halfway mature they will disapprove of her abandoning her home like this.
STOP telling her "separation"... She doesn't want separation she wants an AFFAIR.
You need to fix your terminology big time.
This isn't about her separating ok? Its about her choosing
a. An affair rather than b. Her family
You put it like that to HER and to her friends and family... don't phrase it as
a. Separation b. Live in the home
That's NOT going to HELP YOU
Publicly expose her choosing an affair over her family and her home... make sure all her friends and family KNOW and that they also know you want to save your marriage.
You condone her affair when you allow it to happen in your HOME.
When you invite her to work with your family and remain in the home and SHE chooses the AFFAIR then YOU are getting your integrity back.
STOP telling her to get her own place... You tell her to end the affair or LEAVE...
Don't solve her problems for her... You just tell her you don't want her THERE while she's cheating..
You really don't have the mindset here yet...
What have you educated the family to DO about the affair? Anything? Did you just drop the infidelity in their lap and leave it with them?
Educate them that you want to save your marriage and that you have invited your wife to work on the marriage and she is choosing to pursue her affair instead. SAY it like that.
a. Marriage b. Infidelity
These are the choices... NOT home or separation... that's HIDING the affair behind the word separation.
Call a spade a spade.
YES it hurts your children... That's the POINT... But you allowing her to CHEAT in your children's HOME is a LOT WORSE.. and SHE is forced to REALLY CHOSE when you invite her to leave the home or work with the family.
Did you expose this OM's infidelity to his elderly parents? You go there and you tell his parents that their son is a predator to your home and your children. You tell them they raised a sexual predator for a son and you exit.
This should take the fight to OM's doorstep.
I know it hurts to cut the chord but this is how you end affairs quickly... you get them OUT of your HOME.
If your wife chooses to exit the home, pursue and affair in open public, and walk out on her kids she should get some serious heat from people.
You can't enable this behavior or you just prolong it.
Your kids suffer from the tension of infidelity in the home. Get that addiction away from them. It puts a very bold statement to your Wife that she's hurting her kids and she needs to change her behavior.
If you tolerate the behavior it is just going to last a LOT LONGER.
Zero tolerance for infidelity is how you put a quick stop to it and get it away from your kids and out of your home.
Make sure your wife and everyone know this :
a. You will not tolerate infidelity in the home of your children b. Your wife was invited to work on the marriage with a family therapist c. Your wife is invited to return if she ends her affair d. You want to save your marriage
If your wife and everyone else know that then you are good to go.
This makes her affair clearly HER choice and the harm being done to the kids HER choice as well...
Don't tell her to get her own place. You don't solve her problems for her.
You tell her to get the infidelity OUT of the HOME or she has to GET AWAY from your kids. Tell her you won't tolerate her exposing children to that unhealthy behavior. HOW she solves this problem is her business.
You just tell her you won't expose these children to infidelity anymore. That's it... don't talk about separation, don't tell her to get a new place... That must be her choice.
YOU just tell her the infidleity and cheating is NOT welcome in this home with these children here.
This FORCES her to choose between her family and her affair... You letting her into the home three or four days a week just makes it EASY for her to cheat ... That is NOT the objective.
The objective is to make it as inconvenient for her to cheat as possible.
If she has to
a. Give up her home b. Walk out on her kids c. Lose financial benefits from you d. Humiliate herself in public as an abandoner of children e. Experience public humiliation as a cheater f. Deal with moving g. Deal with finding a new place to live h. Deal with financial strains
All of that makes her think TWICE... even THREE TIMES...
You putting all that pressure on her is what forces her to make a real tough choice...
This is the best way to end this for you... Cut her OFF at the knees and see if she comes to her senses...
Not all do, but its the best chance you have ...
This also does the following :
a. Gets your home stable b. Gets you in a healthier mindset c. Gets your dignity and integrity back d. Wins not only family and friends' respect but also your wifes respect e. Gets your children safe from predators
This scores you a lot of points as a protective father and home maker.
You letting her carry on like that in your own home does not win you any points with anyone other than OM who will just laugh at you and send you a thank you note for loaning your wife out three nights a week without any consequence.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712