Originally Posted By: Coach
Seems a lot of people here struggle with what their WAS is doing and what they should be doing. LBS struggle with letting go of their anger and finding compassion for their spouse. One of the first things to do in any conflict resolution is find some common ground then seek to understand the other sides perspective. So lets find some common ground then seek understanding.

180 - behave differently, detach- WAS ahead of LBS, Act as If - we call it Fog, GAL - good for both sides, Goals - WAS have plans, Take care of Yourself, Going Dark, LRT - WAS BTDT

So the WAS is off the reservation and the LBS is still stuck. The WAS is sending a sign that this R needs to grow, it's not healthy and this is how they are coping. So the WAS is doing things to feed themselves, they have been hurting and their needs have been neglected. Granted they don't always do it in a productive and healthy way but it's what they decided. The WAS is taking care of themselves by doing all the things a good DBer is supposed to be doing. So if the belief is we DB to grow to become a healthier, wiser and stronger individual no matter the outcome then the WAS is walking to do the same thing. We just don't agree on the methods they use.

So why try and fight or hold back someone who is desperately trying to self-actualize and find their true self? That's the wisdom and magic of letting them go. If you love them wouldn't you want them to be the best they could? The WAS also wants you to grow and be your best, they show it by leaving a unhealthy R. A WAS is trying to establish boundaries in the only way they know how. A unhealthy R is not good for you. The WAS is not your enemy. They show a different form of tough love.

Our goal is still to save your marriage. When you can understand and find some compassion for what your WAS is doing it helps you detach, grow and think better. Get ahead of your WAS and learn how to use the right tools, learn what works and why and find out all the different ways you can love someone.

"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712