Originally Posted By: futureunknown
Quote:

I'm confused about how to balance all the different advice.

Just be gone.

Stop talking to your wife, you seem to go backwards every time you do.

So I have spent more time away from the house and not talking to her. Now I will be moving. now I am reading to pay attention, listen and tune in.

How do I balance all this?

Sometimes I feel like I have dropped the rope, but lots of times I don't either. I know I don't validate like I should, somehow I always end-up defending myself instead because I am being attacked.

I've tried to follow links of guys that are slightly ahead of me in the process, but things are never exactly the same and we sometimes leap-frog each other.

I just don't know anymore. All I get from her is cold. We did get into it a bit after our court date last week Tuesday. We talked for quite a while in the middle of the afternoon when my brother was at my house. It wasn't very productive. We never seem to have time alone anymore because the kids stay up so late now that we go to bed just about the same time they do.

I wish there was some easy way for me to know what to do, because I just can't seem to figure it out. And continuing to talk about it seems to make it harder for me to drop the rope completely.

I think it will be much easier once I am out of the house. I won't be talking to her unless it is about transferring the kids or if she bring something up. My understanding is that that is the right way to proceed?


My sitch isn't resolved, so obviously I'm no expert, but I am learning. I was very confused at the beginning too, and I made some mistakes. I was pretty good about not pursuing, and GALing, but my biggest mistake was not setting and enforcing strong boundaries. I think if I was able to do that from the beginning, I would have shaved a year off my sitch.

The key is to try your best to turn the tables in your mind. Take ALL pressure off her. Let her feel your loss, let her wonder what's going on in YOUR head. Deal with what needs to be dealt with, with grace and dignity and strength. If she crosses a boundary, decisively let her know. If she comes to you to talk, THAT's when to pay attention and tune in. Listen, validate, let her feel that you care about her. If she tries to unfairly blame you, call her on that crap. Be strong, use humor, show her a confident man, then be gone again. If she hits you with things you're not expecting, just say "Hmmm... I need to think about that, I'll get back to you."

Try to imagine that YOU'RE the one who's not that interested, make HER work to get YOUR attention, but when you decide to give it to her, be there 100%. Make every interaction with her positive, even consider enforcement of a boundary a POSITIVE thing. Just because she throws a little fit doesn't mean it wasn't positive. She will respect you for it.

When you're so emotionally wrapped up it's virtually impossible to get into the right mindset. Trust me, I know! That's why detachment is so important. Create a vision of your future without her in it, and MAKE IT a GOOD THING. That was the secret to detachment for me. Although we all hate the idea of our M ending, there are some good things about not being M. Marriage means certain restrictions and obligations, in exchange for certain comforts and security. It's a trade off.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time