WAW: "I want a divorce and I will never love you again. I found someone else and am madly and passionately in love with them. I would like you to let me go and not try to win me back in any way shape or form. Please leave me alone and don't try to disagree with me that you don't want a divorce because it won't make any difference. My mind is made up."
You can go ahead and try to validate that without agreeing and I will take my chances agreeing. Agreeing helps them to FEEL validated far far better. When you disagree not only do they not feel validated, but YOU don't feel validated.
How validated would you feel if you told your spouse "I don't want this divorce and I understand you do, but I want to try."
And she says."I understand you don't want the divorce and want to try, but I am done and strongly disagree with you that it can even be saved. I want out. Nothing you can say will change my mind. I do want you to know I understand your feelings." (which IS what most WAS's are actually saying with their words and actions)
OR... would you rather hear?:
Betrayed: "I don't want this divorce and will do whatever it takes to make this work. I am sorry for what I have done."
WAW: "I have heard what you said, and I agree with you. I think you are right and we should try and I agree that we should do whatever to make this work."
Either way can be called "validating" One way you FEEL validated and the other, not so much..
So, you can validate till the cows come home, BUT if the OTHER PERSON doesn't FEEL validated it means nothing. It isn't what YOU feel is validating,but what the person you are communicating with that needs to feel validated for it to be true validation.
There is a time to validate and a time to agree. Know when each is appropriate.
While working on busting the D, I feel it is better to agree. Validation is better when both are working on the R.
"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time