Things are pretty much status quo. Comfortable, good, but I still feel like something is missing and wonder if this is the right R for me.
Many people tell me that they don't think I am in love with BF. I tell them that I know I love him and people can't be in love all the time, it just doesn't work that way. Does it? I don't want to utter the dreaded ILYBNILWY, but I know that it's true. There is no longer a spark or a feeling of deep connection on my part. I was at my cousin's wedding a couple weeks ago and cried at their vows because the sentiment was so beautiful and I know I don't feel that way about BF.
On the flip side, we have a good life together. We compliment each other. We get along well. We have fun together. We weathered a terrible storm and our relationship has improved somewhat. We have been together for almost 10 years and that's nothing to sneeze at.
So basically it's the same old, same old.
The other night BF started a discussion about moving. The bottom line is that we decided that I will go to SF by myself to try it out. It's been 10 years since I left and I might not like it now. A place is always better when you're just visiting and perhaps I've built it up too much in my mind. Perhaps I will know that's where I belong and never want to leave.
Going alone will give me physical and emotional space to figure out what I want. I need to know if absence will make my heart grow fonder or if I will realize that I was simply avoiding change.
Plus it works out better practically speaking. I will work on finding a job and getting the house ready to sell. We already decided we want to downsize even if we end up staying here. God only knows how long the house will be on the market so BF can stay here and keep his job until it sells. He can come visit to see if he can handle living in SF and then we can make some decisions.
This is what I've been thinking about for the past few months but didn't want to bring it up because I thought BF would interpret it as me wanting to break up and go our separate ways. It makes me feel better that he's the one who voiced the idea so I don't feel like I'm somehow forcing or coercing him into it. He was crying as he talked about it so I know that it's not what he wants, but he acknowledged that it's something I need to do for me so he will support me.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I can start moving forward. I already started looking for short-term rentals and feel motivated to actually start applying for jobs.
I always tell people to keep moving forward, it's about time I followed my own advice!
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
