Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[pearlharbr]

For the first time in a while I am furious. I'm so angry I'm shaking.

It started with my exercise class this morning. There's a woman in class who looks like OW. When I noticed that I started wondering what I would do if OW walked into the class. I shook it off, or so I thought.

This afternoon I was writing an email to my BFF and told her I was pretty sure I'm going to move to SF. I realized why I've (almost) made this decision. I brought the topic of moving up with BF about three weeks ago. He told me he needed time to think about it. Fine, I know he needs to analyze and then come back. But not a word about it since then. I'm sick and tired of being the one responsible for starting every serious conversation we have. If he's not going contribute to the discussion then I'm going to make decisions unilaterally. He can go along or go alone. So now I'm perterbed.

I talk to BF this afternoon. He asks if we're still going to dance class tonight. Why wouldn't we go? Oh, I don't know, maybe you don't want to go today. I love Lindy Hop. I love taking these classes and I want to start going to the Friday night dances. If he doesn't want to go tonight then he should just say so instead of trying to put it off on me. Like everything else.

I start to fix dinner. I can't find the casserole dish I want to use. I can't find the cat food spatula. This is an ongoing little thing--he does the dishes but he doesn't put things back where they belong so I am often searching for items when I'm cooking. Now I'm spiraling down into a full blown episode. Why the hell am I staying here in this house where he brought and f*cked that whore? Why am I staying with someone who treated me with such utter disrespect?

BF calls to tell me he's leaving the office. It's late and he's barely going to make it home in time to get to dance class. He can tell I'm pissed off about something. And now, self-fulfilling prophecy?, I don't want to go to dance class because I can't stand the thought of looking at him or being that close to him.