Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[avermont]

Wow, pearl, I totally relate to the back-forth-stuck feeling.

You have all asked why BF and I never married after 23 years.

I couldn't commmit. I wasn't sure. I would get huge anxiety thinking--is this the right guy? I gave myself lots of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" about being with the same guy since college. Maybe I should explore more??!! Maybe he should?

But I would get huge anxiety and cry when I thought about leaving.

Add in feeling guilty because I had taken up so much of his life, so the only ethical thing to do was continue on--not the clearest thinking, but that's what it felt like.

So STUCK and SCARED for probably 19 of 23 years. And in love, and happy and having a great life and conflicted at the same time.

What changed? about 4 years ago I started on lexapro for general anxiety.

Suddenly, without the constant churning, self doubt, energy draining anxiety-- I was able to feel happy and content, and really feel love for BF.

But--without addressing the underlying issues, as I am now doing with IC, I couldn't break the fear and the patterns of our R to express that love more fully and even talk about getting M.

And here we are now.

So...if in any way in the midst of the churning you can find time/money for meds, or meditation, or IC, or whatever it takes to make the space in your mind to see if you can see what you want--I truly hope you can do that.

I feel your feelings right in my stomach.