Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[pearlharbr]

I'm having a rough day. It started yesterday actually and ended up with me crying myself to sleep.

Do you watch How I Met Your Mother? The episode on Monday talked about how in each couple one person is the reacher and one is the settler. The reacher knows his/her partner is out of his/her league and s/he can't get anyone better. The settler knows this and therefore doesn't worry about the reacher cheating because s/he can't get anyone better. BF and I were watching the show and I felt a little twinge but passed it over.

Yesterday I saw that one of my FB friends posted that he's a reacher and he's fine with it. That prompted me to say that I think I'm the settler but not to tell BF. I meant it to be funny, but another friend took the opportunity to tell me what he thinks of my sitch. I got this message from him:

Ok,since you brought it up, I'll say this once, and you can do with it what you will:

Yes, I think you settled. You are about a thousand times above BF's station AND he cheated on you? I normally don't stick my nose in but you didn't seem happy when you were out here.

You're smart, beautiful and talented. I'd say you deserve better. Dump his ass, move to San Francisco and be happy.

There, I said it. Do with it what you will. You will always have my friendship whatever you decide.

Love you,

C

C is friend from HS so he knows me well and for a long time. He hasn't said anything before this.

I've pretty much been a wreck ever since. This whole time we've been piecing I've been going back and forth as to whether or not this is the right R for me now. Sometimes I think I want to stick it out because when you love someone and are committed to them that means working through the bad times. I never finish anything and I want to finish this because it's important. I don't want to give up just because it's difficult.

On the other hand, I wonder if I just stay because it's comfortable and change is scary. If I leave I will relocate and basically have to start out all over again with nothing. I don't know that I will ever fully trust BF again and if I'm willing to live that way for the rest of my life. That wouldn't be fair to either one of us. It doesn't help that I wonder about what my life would be like on my own or with someone else. I know that I could find someone else and maybe someone better suited to me. But I also know that I could end up alone and don't know if that would be better if I was being true to myself.

So basically I'm still stuck. Had a pow wow with my BFF this morning and she said she feels like we've been having this same conversation for a year. She's right, we have. And I'm no closer to knowing which way to turn.

I think it's time I suck it up and somehow, somewhere find the money for IC. I'm just tired of being indecisive, I need to pick a direction and go with it.