We're fighting right now. Sigh. One of those little arguments that happen in daily life. We went our separate ways for the afternoon and when I came home he apologized for overreacting. But I couldn't forgive him. I'm still pissed off and I'm not sure why. I think it's because I don't think he's sorry about the argument, he's sorry I'm mad. Now he's upstairs in the bedroom pouting and I'm downstairs seething.
Are we ever going to learn how to work these things out like adults?
What do I want BF to do that he's not doing? To step up. To do the things we discuss instead of putting it off until I bring it up for the third or fourth time (make a counseling appointment). To make an effort. Or to paraphrase The Breakup, I want him to want to do the dishes.
Another issue is that I'm still suffering from grass-is-greener syndrome. Before the bomb I never would have questioned that he was the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. But now, after the betrayal, after being on my own for a very brief period of time, after finding out men are still interested in me, I wonder if there's someone better suited to me. Someone who won't just throw everything away and run into the arms of a whore because he's unhappy and doesn't have the balls to say anything to me.
What really gets me is when I see someone who I haven't seen since last winter. They ask about me moving to SF because that was the plan. Then I tell them I'm staying put for the time being because I'm back with BF. They look shocked. And I understand. I want to tell them he begged and pleaded to come back but that's not true. I feel like I took him back too easily so no wonder he thinks he can put everything off until I threaten to leave then make minmal effort to placate me until I lose it the next time.
I like my life. It's comfortable. BF and I have history. Are those the reasons I'm staying? Because it's a lot of work to start over on my own? Because my standard of living would be drastically reduced? It sounds so cold and money grubbing but those are the realities of life.
And no, I haven't forgiven him yet. I can forgive the affair, what I can't forgive right now is the fact that he didn't ask me for forgiveness for months even though I told him how important it was. I told him the longer it took, the less inclined I would be. He didn't care until I said I was at a breaking point. Typical.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
