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I'm in a similar situation. My wife (married 26 years) had an affair with someone who was in our circle of friends. The guy was married with a family and when the affair was exposed he "dumped" my wife and went back with his family. She said that she didn't go out to have an affair but she wasn't happy in our marriage and things "just happened." The guy took advantage of her friendship and her vulnerability. Now she's devastated and can't face me because of the guilt and her still having feeling for the OM.
We separated over a month ago and she moved out. Now I'm a single dad with our 2 kids (19 and 16). She comes over once a week to do laundry and see the kids. She's cordial to me but no affection of any kind. At first I did the usual "pursuing" behavior that Michelle warns about. Now I know better. I've been friendly and warm, but no more trying to move things along.
I realize that (As Mick Jaggar once sang) TIME IS ON MY SIDE.
I know she still loves me (she says she does but in not "in love" anymore) but her love is clouded by the feeling for the other guy and her justification of the affair.
The more I read to more I know that I'm on the right track. She knows how I feel about her so I've stopped telling her. I've stopped the phone calls and the "I love you's" because they were only pushing her away.
We have a date scheduled for the end of November because I have an event that we already have tickets for and she agreed to go with me even when we separated.
I think that's a good sign.
I finally realized after 2 1/2 months (since I confronted her about the affair) that even though I still love my wife with all my heart it's really up to her to want to put things together. She has to show remorse and prove to me that I'm number one in her life, not the memories of the OM who dumped her.
I also know that I'm in control because I am willing to endure and have patience. I will SHOW her my love but not push and not pursue. I will be there for her when SHE calls ME but I won't initiate contact unless it's an emergency about the kids.
I've learned that it's not over until I quit and I'm just getting started!
Hope things work out for you. Any comments are always appreciated!