Hi!! I dont remember if have posted to you before...

I dont know if you are aware of the book mentioned often here :Not just friendsby S Glass. It talks about affairs and recovering and healing after one.

The author stresses many times thru her book (and the critics say it's one of the best on the subject) that when info about the affair is disclosed in parts it actually hinders healing.

She makes it very clear that unless the story of the affair is out, no secrets, no hidden details remain, the wound will not heal. She makes a point about how crucial it is for the partner that had the A to volunteer info until the hurt partner is happy with it. VOLUNTEER. When you ask and THEN get bits and pieces, you get all these feelings of resntement and hurt and mistrust again.

So, what I am trying to say is that it seems you are normal and NOT that you cant forgive but that the way you are dealing with the issue doesnt allow you to. Your BF needs to realise that.

You said he thinks you dont need MC but maybe he could read at least that one chapter of this book that may help him see what his actions or non actions cause to you and the risk he is taking.

It's actually simple but people tend to be secretive about details because they are afraid they will hurt their partner more and because of guilt and shame. Maybe if he realises that the sooner you get what you need regarding the affair, the sooner you will leave it behind, he would be willing to try and do his part.

Of course your part would be to control your reactions so that he can feel safe he can disclose more without worrying of loosing/hurting you...

Stay strong, you can do this. It is hard and you need better tools. Get the book if you havent gotten it. It is worth its money. Believe me.

I felt I had to post because the feelings and incidents you describe are all in the book as what you should not do and it is very common when couples try to recover. Do me a favor and read this authors site if you cant get the book. Michelle highly recommends it.

Last edited by Kalni; 09/29/09 06:11 PM.

Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009