If she's anything like my XW, I'm sure much of your wife's rationale is due to the fact that there's a conflict between her selfish urges and repressing the adult. Anytime someone can't reconcile "unacceptable behavior" with what they know is acceptable and mature....they flip out. It's almost a stage they go through when they start to realize that maybe they are making very bad choices and hurting alot of people, even though they may have been neglected in the past.
They just can't face it all at once and must look at themselves in small doses. It takes time, lots of time. No one wants think they are a horrible person., even if they are a "bull in a china shop" that once was a marriage.
Once they actually do wake up and realize how damaging thier behavior was, it could be too late. My XW is just now at this point. I see her lurking around the edges of my new life. Talking to my mutal friends and trying to stick herself out there for me to see. Not knowing what's going on with my life is driving her nuts. These are the effects of dropping the rope. I only wish it was possible to do this before the divorce so she could have trully seen what it would be like without me and that there are very few men like me out there.
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08