Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[pearlharbr]

Phew! Just getting caught up on everyone else's threads.

Vacation was great for the most part. Spent a couple days staying with my BFF and her H and S1, saw some other girlfriends and had dinner with my family (that was the not so great part but had to be done). Then BFF and I took a little girls' road trip that included boutique shopping, catching my favorite rock star's concert and totally awesome doughnuts. Back in my home town I caught up with my old coworkers before BF flew in and we took off for the long weekend.

BF got major points for letting me drag him to another concert by my fave rock star considering 1) that was the third show I went to in a week and 2) BF does not like rock star's music. The rest of the weekend was spent shopping and eating in visiting city and home town (around our old neighborhood). We stopped and chatted with a girlfriend who was friends with BF and was furious with him when all this went down. She was friendly toward him so it went well. I didn't think she'd be rude but thought she might be a bit cooler.

Toward the end of the flight home last night I was scrolling through my old text messages and I saw the messages from when I first found out about OW. All the emotion came back and I remembered how horrible that time was. So we landed around midnight and as I'm sitting with the bags waiting for BF to come back with the truck I'm struck by the feeling that this relationship is not going anywhere. I don't know that I will ever trust him again. He still hasn't asked for forgiveness and I'm not sure I could give it. It's like we're both trying to just go back to normal but the doubts are still there. Then I think that I'm only here because it's comfortable and safe and wondering if that's enough. Sometimes I think it is. Last night all I wanted to do was get on another plane to SF and start over. Then I think if I do that I'm resigning myself to being alone forever because I'm too old to start over and I'm not good at making new friends. But I don't want to settle either and maybe I would be happier living in a hovel in SF than a beautiful house in Denver. But it's not like I'm miserable here, just content. And lots of people would kill for content.

Sigh.

Maybe I'm just lacking sleep.

I had a whole plan last night. Go to an individual counselor to work through these issues and see if I'm just freaking out right now or if I really need to move on. Make the job search 50/50 for SF/Denver and see what pans out. Start purging my crap in preparation to move.

Another sigh. It's been a roller coaster...