You men will learn but it is hard for you b/c we women are designed so differently. You can't think of us in the same terms as with men. That is where people get into their problems in M a lot of times.....forgetting their S does not "think" like they do. Anyway, as I said before, when it is a case of what I think of as "true WAW", it hardly ever has much to do with OM's looks. I'm not sure about personal success, etc., but I do know it is more on how OM makes the WAW feel.
We know better Sandi, at least I do. Still, it's hard to reconcile as a man because for us men "feelings", while important, don't play such a dominant role in our Rs like they do with women. After experiencing what I am currently going through with my W, I can't help but feel that the huge role "feelings" play in a woman's psyche are in many ways an achilles heel of sorts. It remains disturbing to me how my W's "feelings" can completely overwhelm logical and rational thinking. I just can't relate to it. Of course, I haven't experienced either MLC or an EA- I hope I never do- but maybe if I did I would understand better. I can only imagine that if I was thinking like my W is right now (basing my thoughts and actions on "feelings") I'd probably feel like I was losing my mind.
If she were to open her eyes to see you the way you really are, then there is a good probability that OM would not look near so good to her and then she would have to face some other realities she is running from...and then her fantasy castle would begin to crumble and soon her entire dream world would collaspe. Naturally she is going to strive to make the LBH be the "bad guy" in every situation b/c she must be justified to leave H and have approval of others to go to OM.
I know that dropping the rope and filing for D was what I needed to do at this point in my sitch. And, I need to continue to detach as well. I just wish I knew what it was going to take in order for her to really "open her eyes" regarding me and our MR! My W is so damn stubborn...and she hates it when I'm right. Just don't know what else to do right now beyond making the realities of an impending D look really bad.
The more she trashes her H to her friends/relatives, the more H will appear to be rotten to the core and apparently had everyone fooled. Some people think, "Well, you never know what goes on behind closed doors." Obviously not everyone will believe that, but some will b/c they "want" to. Gives some folks something to talk about.
You are right, some people will buy into her B.S. Fortunately my MIL and FIL and several others in her family aren't now and probably won't. In fact my MIL & FIL hit a rough patch and almost split up about 10 years ago but didn't- now they are telling my W they are so glad they got through it.
BJ, you were talking about those women being attracted to you, etc., and you couldn't understand why your wife can't see that and know you are the better man. The sad fact is.....she does know (subconsciously) but she has it burried deep and doesn't want to dig it up. If she does that, then she has to say good-bye to her drug of choice. She is hooked on that drug and doesn't want to give it up and will FIGHT to keep getting it.
It's going on 7 full months now for my W's A and that is precisely her attitude: I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY A WITH OM! And it was her attitude a couple weeks ago when I crashed her out of state vacation- crying when she first saw me because I was "ruining everything". It is truly MADDENING!
"Most" men do not realize that romance to a woman is like sunshine to a flower.
She thinks he has come to save the day and will sweep her away and they will live happily ever after. I know....it sounds like a stupid fairytale, but that is exactly what the WAW wants! She wants a fairytale.
I think that women feel that they have "missed" something or feel denied...maybe....I don't really know, but it is like they have a dream of being romanced and courted by the man they love and in their minds..the M is over b/c there is no feelings of being in love any longer.
This is the kind of poignant stuff that got my attention and made me want to take the approach I did with my W in the first place. I just wish there was a way I or someone could reach my W to let her know Big John gets it! And that I can and will give her what she wants and needs.
She may try to satisy that longing by reading romance novels and watching love stories, etc.,but if she continues along that path and doesn't find some type of peace & happiness in her life, then I believe she sets herself up for falling for some guy's line and believing every line of BS he feeds her.
My W did/does both. These were two big indicators right in front of my face that I didn't recognize. And what you say about believing every line of some guy's BS- that is definitely what I fear for my W and her future should she chose go forward with the D.
Thanks Sandi for another great post.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________