hhh, thanks for stopping by. Will answer your questions first.

No, we haven't been to counseling. We worked through the exercises in After the Affair but kind of let things slide when the schedule got busy. I did it consciously because I wanted to live more in the moment and not push so much for conversation. I'm now thinking that maybe it is time for the structure of counseling although I'm not sure what else I want to get from it. We did go to a couple counseling sessions early on but BF was completely wrapped up in his affair and not ready or willing to get anything out of it. I saw the counselor several times by myself but stopped going when he made it clear he thought I should walk away and never look back. Perhaps in the end he will be right but I was uncomfortable with his pronouncement of absolutes.

Marriage discussions...well, yes and no. My position on marriage has always been that people get so wrapped up in the wedding and lose sight of the relationship and I was not going to do that. Plus we're not having children and that's usually why people get married. We always said we're together because we want to, not because we have to. Over the years I have had times when I wanted to get married but didn't bring it up because BF was so vocally opposed (i.e. when finding out his guy friends were getting married he gave them a hard time). But now he insists that he is not opposed to it, he just thought I did not want it. Talk about lack of communication. So now he says he's here to stay forever. I don't doubt his commitment but we have not really discussed marriage again. I have decided that I do want to get married but recent events make me pause.

Update:
Friday morning I left for my daily walk while BF was getting ready for work. Thought he might realize that this was a serious sitch and wait for me to get home but he was gone, no note, nothing. BF called during the day as if nothing was wrong. I was furious and my curtness relayed that message. He said he wanted to talk when he got home and asked if I would be there or if I had other plans. My only plans were getting everything ready for the party for his employees.

He came home early bearing flowers and the first words out of his mouth were an apology. He knows what he did was wrong looking at it from my perspective and he won't do it again. Pause. I think he was expecting me to melt and say that's ok but I didn't. I asked about the other exchange I had found and he said he didn't think it was flirty, just friendly. Yes, it doesn't appear to be inappropriate but the fact that he tried to hide them screams guilt. He said since I had thought his exchange with another female coworker looked suspicious he wanted to avoid a scene. Not acceptable.

I told him this is not a small thing, this is the straw that may break the camel's back. I feel like I cannot trust him and we are back at square one. I will not go through all of this again. He said he feels like we're headed down the right path and our bumps in the road are fewer and far between. Yes, but I do not want to think, gee, it's been four months since he's had inappropriate communication with a coworker--maybe it will be six months until I discover the next one! Not good enough. I do not want to spend the rest of my life wondering what is going on with any of the hundreds of women he deals with at work.

I told him I need a few days to figure out what I want to do. I ended up thawing a bit towards him and things feel back to normal now. But I have shied away from intimate contact because I do not feel like I can connect like that with him right now.

My gut tells me that he's not cheating and that he really wants to be with me. It also tells me that it's not fair to either one of us to move forward if I cannot find a way to trust him again.

He had a surprise day planned for this Friday that he ended up telling me about so we'll see how that goes. Then I'm heading home for a week before he flies up to join me for a weekend getaway for Labor Day weekend. Guess it's just one day at a time for now.

Last edited by pearlharbr; 08/25/09 12:02 AM.

If you love somebody, set them free.
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