Originally Posted By: sandi2
BJ, I'm glad you know that you would be a good catch for another woman. That is exactly the attitude you need to have. I don't personally think people should date while M, but that is something I suppose each one has to decide for themselves. Be careful about the Internet chat sites. I learned the hard way. I was curious also....and very lonely & depressed. It makes one ripe for an EA and even though you feel that you would be doing this to see how your W would react, you are in a vulnerable position and could end up in matters being worse than already are.

Sandi, point taken. I was speaking in the heat of the moment when I made the comment about those websites. I have enough on my plate already and don't need to be dealing with more stuff. Something like that goes against my principles anyway. I was mad at myself after I posted those comments because it just illustrates how much my W has hurt me for me to even entertain thoughts like that.

As I told you once before, the OM's looks has very little to do with your W's attraction to him. I can see why that would be hard for you to understand and especially since you are more handsome than he is.

I know you have. It's not just the looks, it's everything. He is my opposite- in a negative way- in many areas. It just drives me nuts.

I think the largest area that you need to hit hard and fast is with the finances. If the two of you are going to be S, then don't you think she needs to feel the pinch? If she continues to enjoy all the nice things she did before, what change will there be outside of the fact she's not sleeping with you? I know you aren't going to cut her food supply off or anything like that, but I think you know what I mean. I don't believe she even realizes all the ways she can suffer the consequences of being S (even in the same house), but you need to show her. The first thing is she should not have any of your income for her personal expenses and she should have to pay for some of the household expenses.

Agreed. She has been griping about "what are we going to do...we need to S...we can't keep living like this...blah, blah, blah. I keep telling her it's her problem- she is the one who needs to go. The kids and I want this M and family to survive, she does not. Either work on the M with me or go find another place to live to sort things out by herself. She keeps pushing this crap back on me and I'm getting tired of it. I've told her that at this point it is about survival- her behavior is affecting my performance at work- I work from home- and if I lose my job we are screwed.

I know that will be difficult but you have to stop protecting her, and that is exactly what you have done up until this time. So, don't go ANYWHERE with her....don't even make it a "family" outing with her and the kids together b/c you have done that and it did not work. BJ, you will want to do it for your kids, but it is time for you to stop having those family things and just tell yourself that it is tough love you are applying to your W. If you end in a D, you would not continue to have those family outings anyway, so now is the time to show her how it would be if D.

Agreed. Heck, she has already burned bridges with several other people in the family anyway so this shouldn't be too hard. As a matter of fact, she has her B-day coming up next week. I was going to do something for the benefit of the kids at least- a cake, etc.- but given how she did a half-a$$ job at throwing my B-Day in April plus what has happened since, I may not do anything at all. No card either. Just let it be another day. I hate being mean to her, but I'm tired of getting my feelings stomped on day in day out.

Act like you are S and don't watch TV together. Dont try to carry on pleasant conversations with her. The only thing I would say to do anything together "for the sake of the kids" would be if you ate dinner at the table all at the same time. Yes, it will be hard, but if it ends in a reconciliation, it will be worth it, and if it doesn't....it wouldn't change anything. I'm saying that you don't need to do anything at all with her. Make everything different, now. Make her feel the sting of her decision!

This is precisely what I am doing right now. You know, she had the gall today to reiterate that she really expected more effort on my part a few months ago to "try and win her back" when she was "wavering" on her decision to S and eventually D me- in the midst of her EA of course. Of course, "now it's too late" according to her. I started to argue with her then had to stop myself. What a bunch of B.S.!

I'm not saying that you have to go around like you are mad at the world, but just act like you could care less "about her"! Women can't stand that! It is good that you are ticked b/c that will help you to detach and maybe you will get to the place that you don't care so much what she decides to do and then it won't hurt so badly. It usually takes men that much before they can truly drop the rope and that is when the WAW usually realizes what she's done.

I'm there now. My W is acting like a friggin' idiot and coward with no plan and no clue what the hell she is doing. I have myself to worry about and three kids counting on me. Right now, my W can just keep her head up her a$$ for all I care. It's all business right now and I'm keeping things real. Speaking of idiots, I may be one myself for loving her. smile

I think I've said all this before, so I won't just keep on, but I mainly wanted to let you know that I am still in your corner supporting you.

Your feedback and support are invaluable. Thank you as always Sandi!

M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself