From what you can recall, what was your experience like Sandi?
My experience seem unusual compared to most people here on the board simply b/c of the lateness in life (I guess is the best way to describe it). I had never had a problem with "age" the way some women do. But a lot of things had built up in me and I was very unhappy and lonely due to my R with my H. I felt emotionally dead inside. I had been on a lot of different medications and I believe everything combined with some other family issues was more than I could handle at the time. I was very depressed, to boot. That may sound like an excuse for my actions, but I do not give an "excuse", only trying to give a very brief background of my stitch. I was one of those women who would have been the last person on earth that you would have ever suspected of getting involved with OM over the Internet. I came from a strong Christian background and was instilled with good the moral ethics. I had been raised "right" (if you will excuse that expression). It is a long story so I won't go into the details. I never, ever thought I would stoop to doing what I did. Once I got off into that "world", then it was if I was lost and couldn't find my way back. Like your W, I didn't "want" the feelings I was experiencing to stop. I did not have the information to realize that it was a chemical that actually hits the brain and give the false illusion of "in-love" emotions. It felt like I was a young woman again and I was experiencing sexual excitment that I had not had for a long time. I was looking at a birthday coming up that just hit me smack in the face and realized I would be considered "old" and I was losing my looks and sex appeal. I wasn't the "type" of gal that went around looking for men to be attracted to me or anything like that, but I believe a lot of that is just human nature to want to be attractive to the opposite sex. Anyway, (don't know how I got on that but...) this OM was chatting with me and of course it turned sexual and he was feeding my ego like crazy. Being primed as I was.....I was hooked. When my H discovered my messages to OM over the Internet.....then he approached me with his findings and of course I could say nothing. He told me to delete OM from my emails and to end it. I did as I was told and my H thought that was that. However, the OM was able to tell when I went on line and he contacted me and then everything got even more secretive after that. I would contact him through a secret account and be sure I deleted any traces of the computer history. I got a pay-as-you-go cell phone to call him. When a WAW wants to contact OM, she will find a way. The more the H says to her, the more secretive she gets. A WAW finds a way, and that is why the H cannot do anything about her actions. He cannot control her and he cannot fix her. She will fight him every step of the way.
I was on a rollercoaster of emotions and it took a good while before I came here and found this board and begin to get the tools of information I needed to help myself. I felt so desparate when I found the DB board. Your wife had not felt that yet. Even with help from the books and this boad, it still took a long time for me to get through the process of giving up the OM and then going through the "grieving" and withdrawals. It really is like a drug that you have to put down and have the discipline to leave it alone. Knowing he is as close as the click of your computer. Very tempting unti you can get past that stage of the wthdrawal.
I was like a different person. My H could not believe it. We had always trusted each other with our lives. I broke that trust. I showed not interest in him. I did not cook for him, or wash his clotes or anything. I never went anywhere with him b/c I wanted free time on the comuter to contact OM. I never told my H a lie accept for withholding what I was doing by contacting OM. I did not discuss my feeling or anything else about OM. I couldn't. It felt wrong to do that. Your W and I are very different in that respect. The best thing that I had going for me was the fact that I had had my children when I was very young and therefore they were grown when I had my EA. I don't know what I would have done or been like if I had had small children. I remember having fantasies, but I never acted on anyting.......not like contacting a real perosn.I remembered the first time I called and I was so nervous and in the back of my mind I knew I was taking the biggest risk of my M.....but I did it anyway....that is what's so sick.
It was a very bad time that I never want to have repeated. I have to say that, in all fairness, I can look back and see where it was either my hormones going crazy or else it was that combined with those chemicals flooding my brain cells when the OM was feeding my ego.......that affected my behavor. But like I said, I don't "excuse" my actions.......but at times I still wonder about how that all happened. I just got into a mess that I had no business getting into.
Your W is not the woman you married! Someday, hopefully, she will return, but there are no promises. She could make some very poor decisions while in this condition that will effect her life and her family's. That is what is so scary! She is very unpredictable and you cannot take stock in ANYTHING she says. Don't believe her! Remind yourself everyday that she is not the woman you use to know.
I think the thing that seems so weird with your W is how she openly talks about her fantasy with this OM with you and her BIL and friends. It amazes me that she is not embarrassed by having this attraction when she is a M woman. She acts as if it is nothing to be ashamed of. Why do you think that is? Has she been like that regarding other things in life?
I thought your son had over-heard some dicussion about OM is why he was upset. I must have misunderstood. Anyway, if they know something is going on, and they probably do b/c kids are so darn smart! I sure would consider talking to your C about what to do where they are concerned. It will probably affect the rest of their lives.
My W has already told me that when she becomes single she would never introduce the kids to a new boyfriend until she had a well established relationship (I know, she already thinks she has that with OM!)
She's lying. Don't believe a word of it. She will introduce them some way--some how to the OM. They may not know he is OM at the time, but she will do it. There was a young lady here on the board who had what appeared to be a very close R with her H. However, even when he left her for OW, he promised her faithfully he would never let OW around the children. But he took them to the movies one night and guess who just happen to be at the same place? You see, Your W sees this OM as her future H and so she is eager to get everything into place.....including the children. She needs to know that OM and her children accept each other. That is part of the fantasy....to become one big happy family. And you? Oh, she thinks to "scr*w you" b/c you aren't important to her now. You are interferring with her plans.
It is all about her fantasy. ON may reach a place that he is no longer interested in her. If he would really treat her badly "before" it turns into a PA.....that would be the best thing to happen. However.....and this is the kicker.......it is her "condition" that makes her very vulnerable to any OM. That hurts, doesn't it? I think that it was not so much my OM, but that it could have been almost any OM that came into my life at that moment in time. I was in a bad place emotionally and he filled the void. I could have found another man if he didn't want me, but thankfully, I did not go down that road. I'm not so sure about your W, b/c it is an individual thing and how she is affected by hormones and the whole bit. It's so hard to explain. Just like me trying to think back about my own stitch and still wonder how it all happened and try to tell another person about it.
As I may have mentioned before, my wife is normally passive by nature and leans towards being introverted and co-dependent.
That is not good. It means she will more than likely take an emotional beating from this OM before she wakes up to reality. I wish I could offer up more encouragement.
My W has really turned into a mean spirited person since discovery of the EA- even her family members are noticing how remarkably mean and insensitive she is being towards me. Quite a contrast to the woman we all knew before the EA. No gift or card for my B-day in April, no card or Happy Father's Day along with all the other crap.
Big John....I want you to get this point if you get nothing else, okay? She can't stand you! There, I said it, and I'm sorry but that is how she really feels toward you while she is in this WAW mode. You are the least person on earth that she would probably try to save if drowning. Well, that may be extreme, but I want you to get the picture here. Stop thinking of her in terms of her being the person you M b/c she isn't there in her mind right now. She sees herself as already divorced from you. She may never be "normal" again! Like I said, there are no promises. Do the best you can for you and the kids and if you believe in God, I sugest you pray real hard. I'm not trying to be "cute" or funny. I am dead serious.
understand that my wife has "changed" due to the EA, but is the woman I fell in love with "dead" or is this just a temporary double life persona that has presently taken over my wife? Will she ever come back to being relatively "normal" again? If not, what new behaviors are likely to "stick"? What original behaviors attitudes will survive?
I wish I could answer that for you. The problem is that it depends largly on the individual person. By your description of her, it does not sound good, but I have seen a few miracles in my life, so who knows. I can only say that I was not myself at all during the ordeal I went through, and I do think that I am back to who I use to be. It was a long, hard road to get back and I had to do "work" b/c it didn't just fall into place. I had to "want" to be my old self again and have my life back. If your W doesn't "see" what is happening and have that desire to get herself well from this state of mind she's in.....then you or nobody else can help her. She will not listen to you. If there is anybody that she admires and respects very highly.....she may at least listen to what they have to say, but I'm afraid that she is so far gone in her fantasy of this OM and what she thinks he is and what their future will be......it really concerns me that she is over the top......she has lost touch with reality. There is something that I don't know how to explain where she is concerned. I'm wondering if there is something more here than an EA with OM. I'm wondering if she needs professional help in why this all happened. Am I making sense? It sounds so......I don't know.....freaky. Any WAW sounds "sick" but this is beyond that.....IMHO. Of course, she would resist any means of professional help b/c as she said, she doesn't want this feeling that the EA has produced to ever stop. It is the "feeling", you know.....not the OM. A big concern is to what extent this OM is pursuing her. Is he just getting his kicks out of this and thinks it will get him into her panties or is he seriously leading her to believe he will M her. My OM knew all the right words to lead me on and even told me he would come get me and take care of me.......but he never said anything about possibly getting M. He would refer to a future together, etc., but he was careful as to what words he use. He was very smart! Does she tell what the OM says to her? Or is it all how she feels, etc.?
Well, I've made another very long post. So, I'll close for now. Hope you can get rest tonight. You don't know how badly I could help you. I think it may have been your other thread in Newcomers where I was one of the board's vets say that there is nothing a man can do about his WAW.....he just has to be as confident as he can be b/c that is what is most attractive. I think there is a lot of truth in that. In fact, guess what attracted me to my OM? Yep!
Well, good night. Hope have a peaceful night.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!