Stuck, you're right, trust is a major issue. I feel like I don't want to go there (sex) because it requires opening myself up and being extrememly vulnerable. But as MWD points out in SSM, sometimes you just have to suck it up and do it and the emotional connection will follow. So I took the first step...
We went out to dinner Fri night. He says let's try the restaurant we talked about a few weeks ago. I say sounds good, do you want me to make a reservation? It's a popular place, Fri night, prime time...no, he says, let's just wing it. Grrr. This is a recurring theme in our R, he refuses to plan and then is surprised when things are full. He hates that I want to plan in advance but is happy when he finds out I got the last room/table/etc. We arrive at the restaurant and, lo and behold, without a reservation it will be at least a 45 minute wait. I shoot him an "I told you so" look but didn't say anything. Luckily some spots at the bar opened up as we were walking out so we were able to eat there.
After dinner we went back to the house but I asked if we could hang at his apt instead. I thought if I was dating someone new I would want to see his place, plus it's something different for us. So we took a movie over there and watched it while he packed for his trip back to his home town. We were cuddling on the bed (he only took one tv and no sofa) and when I got up to leave he held on to me and told me to stay. So I did. I leaned over and kissed him and he started kissing me back but I started thinking about him kissing OW and turned away. He continued to kiss my neck and I freaked out a little and started crying.
We both slept on and off and around 3 am we were both awake so I started to explain what had freaked me out earlier. I said I know it's something I'm going to have to work through but I just don't know how to do that right now. I don't know how to forget that he had sex with OW in our house. I don't know if knowing the details will help or hurt - should I get rid of the sofa or am I better off not knowing? How do I get the images of the two of them together out of my head? What we had is not special anymore, he shared things with her that were only supposed to be shared with me. He said there's nothing he can do but give me the time. I said what I need from him right now is to be reassured that he chose me, he wants to be with me because he loves me and he's committed to being open and communicating so we can work on our issues and see if this relationship can work for both of us. I know it's a mouthful so maybe we can come up with a code word or signal that he can use to convey that message. He came up with "pumpernickel." I laughed. So that's our new code word.
Another issue is what he will tell his parents about what's going on with us when he is home. He said nothing because it's none of their business. I disagree. What did he tell them when I didn't show up for Christmas? Nothing. So he let them think it was about me and my decision to not visit them, knowing full well his mom already thinks I don't like them and don't want to spend time with them. (I don't think he knows that I did tell his parents what was going on for precisely that reason.) It goes to the bigger issue: he thinks he didn't involve anyone else in our problems because he didn't tell them, but he did involve them through his actions. He involved his coworkers by carrying on with OW in front of them. He involved his family by not explaining my sudden absence.
We slept some more when we woke up in the morning it felt better. We made out for a bit then I went home. He's gone for a week. I think some time apart will give me some breathing room.
But in the spirit of working to move forward, xBF will be henceforth referred to as BF.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
