I'm scared that I'm just letting myself slip back into old patterns. It's been so long since "normal" life that it's nice to have that feeling back. But is this what I really want or is it just comfortable and familiar? Can I really have a future with someone who betrayed me so heartlessly? I know everyone is human and makes mistakes, but this isn't telling me I look fat in a dress or not standing up for me to his mother. This is beyond anything I ever imagined. If you always assume you will walk away from any cheater you are not prepared to walk the path of reconciliation and forgiveness. And the longer I go without knowing if I can do that the more I wonder if I'm just dragging my feet because deep down I know I can't.
Yesterday, for the first time, I felt like I wanted to make it work. We're having fun. Not quite as good as when we first got together because that included lots of affection and physical contact. But that's increasing a bit. When we watch tv I'm laying against him and he puts his arm around me. He smells good and we bring up old jokes that haven't been mentioned in over a year.
And at these times, when we're relaxed and smiling, it's like everything is ok. But then I want to shake myself and remind myself that it is NOT ok. He had an affair. It wasn't a one night stand. When I found out he wasn't sorry and he didn't stop. He flaunted his indescretion in front of people who know me. He f*cked that whore in my house. How can it ever be ok again? How can I respect myself if I act like everything is ok? How can he respect me if I don't respect myself?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
