Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[pearlharbr]

Sheesh, I knew this would be a roller coaster but I still don't like them. I have a queasy stomach. I'd love to be able to chalk some of my emotions up to hormones (a woman's prerogative!) but alas, I think it's probably just the sitch.

Went out with xBF last night. Took me to dinner at an Italian restaurant where a coworker was playing in a jazz band. Shows thought because he's not fond of pasta or jazz and I am. We had a nice dinner, talked, laughed. Then we went back to the house to talk.

Why do I always end up crying when we talk these days? In the beginning I could have a calm conversation sans tears. Now it seems that as soon as we start so do the waterworks.

I asked if he was still seeing OW. He said no. Since when? Since he told me he was done, about four weeks ago. Is that the last time he saw her? No. When was that? About two and a half weeks ago? So why the discrepancy? He had to tell her to stop contacting him. Has she stopped? No. When was the last time? Last week he got an email. So why didn't he tell me about this? No answer.

I told him I need him to write her a letter telling her that he is with me because he loves me and wants to be with me, not out of guilt or a sense of duty. And that there will be no further contact. He said fine, he's already blocked her number from his cell phone.

Went on to tell him that I hate that I spend even one minute thinking about her because I don't want to give her the power to affect me. But that's the way it is right now.

We discussed other transparency things like access to his email accounts, all of them. He knew I was talking about the "secret" account and said he hasn't used it in months. But he opened it to talk to her. No, he's had it for years and years just didn't use it. Also his phone records and I'd like to have copies of monthly statements for his work line and Blackberry. He said he will look into it.

There's more but it's late and I'm nodding off.