I've decided it's time to come over from Newcomers since xBF and I have agreed to explore the option of getting back together.
Here's the recap:
Together 8+ years. Moved twice in three years for his career. After the move last year it felt like we were just in a rut but I assumed we'd figure out some way to get out and be fine. Not so.
Nov 08 xBF announces that he's not happy and hasn't been for the past 5 years. Two main issues are SSM (I am LD) and no common interests. I try to fix things (read SSM, go to doctor, buy lingerie, etc) and reason and talk which, surprise, does nothing. I suspect interest in coworker which of course he denies with "we're just friends." Thanksgiving I discover his EA/PA with coworker and he still denies.
Dec 08 we separate but stay in same house. I find DR and start LRT. I try to be the better option but am not good at loving detachment so come across as cold. I GAL and do 180s as best I can but not getting anywhere.
Jan 09 After a few more weeks of trying to DB I get fed up and kick him out of the house. Feels great! I decide I am done with him and make plans to move out of state to start a new life.
Feb 09 About a month after I throw him out, no contact, he makes noises about getting back together. He doesn't mention ending things with OW so I ignore him.
Mar 09 He says he is completely finished with OW (not exactly true) and writes a long letter declaring his love and desire to recommit. No action behind words so I don't believe him. We have a few serious convos that don't seem to be getting us anywhere.
I spent a long time asking myself if I really want a relationship with him. I still don't know the answer and don't think I will for a while. But when all this started I told him all I wanted was for us to explore our issues and determine if we are indeed a good match or if it would be better to go our separate ways. I thought we owed it to ourselves, each other, and our years together to do at least that. While he refused at the time, he brought it up and has asked me to do the same.
So after some serious soul searching I have agreed to explore the possibility. I'm not sure I will ever trust him again. I'm not sure I still love him. But I will try for now.
I need to spend some time reading up and getting to know the people here. I look forward to learning from your experience. I know I'm going to need all the help I can get to make it through this next part.
(FYI, I'm posting and running out of town so please don't think I'm rude if I don't respond right away. I'll be back on Monday.)