For the spouse who has Walked Away

[AJM]

The day came when I simply realized I was in love with someone else...and that could not happen if I still loved my former spouse...

Just so I understand, can you replay that for me? How did you get to be in love with somebody else when you were still married? I don't get that.

I am a man of deep commitment. I don't make them lightly and I stick by them at my own cost. Why? I am not naturally wired that way but I realized as a younger man that the world changes. People change. My commitments are something that don't have to if I guard them properly. I do. So I have a hard time understanding that part of the relationship you are in or had.
Don't get me wrong. I am NOT suggesting that you stay in a loveless relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship work. But that's just it - it takes work. Not communicating? Work on it. You'll get it right if you BOTH try. Think you're communicating but your partner "doesn't get it?" - then you're not communicating. You're talking at your partner, right?

In the end, as crazy as it sounds, I chose the divorce option for the kid's sake. No one will ever understand that...but it was the only way I could see them without the LBS around. The kids were used as tools to get me to come back...and I resent that to this very day.

No, I get it. I can see how people would do that and may not even realize they are doing it. I can also see how, if you and ex are not communicating you could take it that way even if ex didn't intend or realize that it was happening that way. The losers in the situation are the kids. No matter what. And you only do such things when there is a lot of feeling involved. Your ex hasn't moved on yet right?

I do not feel dysfunctional, mentally deficient, evil, or any of the many other things we WAS are called out here. Someone once said if marriage required 1 year and ten thousand dollars to get into, and divorce required a cheap certificate from the courthouse, we would have a helluva lot fewer divorces. We all know it works the other way around though.

Humor. that's good to see. Obviously, you have some doubts about what happened and are trying to understand the events. That would be a large part of the reason you are here. You otherwise would have no reason to discuss this situation with people here. Or defend what you have chosen to do in your life. If you are totally comfortable with the events and can say it won't happen to you again, then there is really no need to revisit. There is nothing you're going to gain from this that I can see. Even the sense that you're teaching people like me the other side of the fence, won't buy you anything. You have a relationship with another man that you're totally happy with. You're comfortable that you couldn't have made your choices any differently. You're comfortable in your own skin.

I don't think you are mentally ill, deficient or evil. I think you are the product of your choices. I think you may be a person with a regret or a piece of left over doubt. I hope I'm wrong because that would suck for you if you did.

Best of luck to you in your new relationship.