Hi Bridgestone,

I've been affected by smartcookie as well.

I keep wondering the same thing about WAW & LBS. In my particular sitch, my W is determined to get D - I'm a "wonderful person and we connect on many levels" but she doesn't think she can be the person for me. What does that mean? That she's changed. That marriage for her is different than what she thinks it is for me.

A long-term relationship is a compromise and I don't think we truly appreciate what that means. It's really hard. It's accepting someone for who they are and knowing that there are things you'll never like in them. Are those things big enough to throw the whole thing away? I think my W is currently saying "yes," but will those things still seem so huge when she starts trying with someone else? Only time will tell. My W and I are basically compatible, we have a solid friendship, and we communicate well. She asked me if that was enough to sustain a relationship. I think yes, she thinks no. What would you say? It's hard for me to see basing a long-term R on anything else and I don't see Rs as being self-sustaining. I think my W thinks they need to be more self-sustaining - those things in common should just come naturally. I think you have to work at involving each other. Both of you. Working hard.

Parts of people who are compatible will always be compatible, I think, and parts won't be. You can concentrate and work on the parts that are compatible, or decide too much has changed. I commend you for concentrating on the parts that work. You have to do that to figure it out. I wish my W was willing to do the same.

And the gawking, yes, us guys are really good at that. We aren't so good at being subtle, so when something is bothering us we want to change it as fast as possible. I recognize that changes I made 4 months ago have slid away, so I guess you're smart to be wary. But I'm glad that, unlike my W, you continue to engage him and give feedback about his changes. One question I have, though, is if the burden of proof should all be on him. Relationships take two, so are there changes you should be making to be more accepting of who he is? Would transcending the present turmoil and reaching a place of comfort that will never be as exciting as new love - is that worth the compromise?

I guess I'm divided about all of this. I tried going dark to move on but emailed W yesterday. I am who I am - a nice person who can't play games and I miss her. I miss her conversation and deep down I know she misses mine even though she's trying hard to put it out of her mind and heart.

Have I done enough to show her someone who "gets it"? Obviously not. Should I keep trying? I don't know. I'd decided there was nothing more I could do and I deserve someone who would be there for me as much as I've been there for them (my W has always been focused on her self & career), so was ready to move on. Then I re-read various posts and DR about truly being patient, knowing when you have no more to give, etc. and have been going back and forth. Should I be friends with W or go dark to separate emotionally? Should I keep trying with blind determination or move on? Of course my sitch has the added complication of OM and I don't know how big that wrench is, but I see similar things in your postings that address my inner struggles. Is this how you feel as well? grasshopper posted that the LBS can be as much a WAS as the WAS - I guess that has stuck with me these last few weeks but I don't know what to do with the info.

Sorry for the rambling. Hope you have a great day!


Divorced: 10/26/08