From ChristineE


Today I was going to attach links to some of my old threads but I decided that my time would be better spent relflecting on what has worked for me. Besides, one of my best threads has vanished into cyberspace. It's too bad because it was the thread where I think I did some of my best DBing.

What worked:

-Don't argue about anything...period. Take a break. Don't overreact. If something is important enough, then it will still be important in several hours. Otherwise just let it go.

-Don't take ANYTHING personally. Check your pride at the door. The WAS will say things that are crazy, untrue and hurtful, but it's not about's about them. They say ugly and hurtful things because they feel ugly and hurt.

-Act "as if". This was my biggest weapon! I even taught my sister how to do this when her BF dumped her and now they are back together. This works at so many different levels that I may have to devote an entire post to this alone. There is a post that keeps getting recycled that defines the "special as if attitude". I read this every night before I went to bed. We must not overreact. We must not get sucked into their pathology. We must act as if everything is fine around us. My H accused me of being delusional. He said that everything in our lives was a mess (it was only in HIS life where everything was a life was fine). Gradually, H stopped fighting the "as if" attitude and started acting kinder towards me. I think he felt guilty about how bad he was treating me while all the time I was so nice.

-Don't make a fuss over the OP. I kept reading over and over that these infatuations will run their course and eventually fizzle out. I decided to have patience and it did fizzle.

-Decide to have an A with your S. I bought about a thousand books and CDs during my crisis and on one of the CDs the author said, "If you don't have an affair with your H, then someone else will."

-Always take the high road. Don't do anything that you will regret later.

-Be positive. Nobody likes to be around a depressed person. I decided that I had control over my own environment so it was going to be a positive environment and no one had the power, H or anyone else, to destroy it. H could be in his negative space, but I would not allow it to affect my space. I decided to fill up my environment will love an positive energy. It is truly amazing how attractive this makes a person.

I will post more later as they come to me. Everything that I did was not easy. I had to be strong. Stronger than I ever thought possible. There were times when I thought that I was going to crumble under the pressure. I had to be in absolute control of my emotions. No reacting to his antics. In the end, I gained so much self-respect and even if H did leave me, I knew I was going to be allright. He was the one whose life was in turmoil.



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