I arrived on this bb in August 2001. I wasn't ready to post my story, so I started reading others' posts and went digging thru some really old threads. I read read read for a month I have learned so much by reading and then putting into practice what I've read. I don't claim to be an expert, far from it, but here is what I have learned so far.
#1- I learned most from the "oldtimers" who have been doing this DB thing for many moons. I've taken the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. Yes, each sitch is different but why repeat mistakes of others when they have already shown it does not work?
#2- Most (if not all) variations to DBing do NOT work. I don't know best and its part of listening to advise. Variations are a way of keeping to the old brain thinking. Start w/the beginners mind
#3- I needed to learn to shut up and listen! What a concept- listening. Was I able to do it?
#4- I had to really look at myself from H's perspective. He'd been telling me my faults- Why couldn't I accept them? Well, probably because I wasn't listening and was to wrapped up in pointing the finger back at him. What did I do to help in the R breakdown? Now, what can I do to change my faults? (Not only for the R if it is to be, but for possible future Rs as well)
#5- Learning to forgive. After hearing H for the 1st time, I had a lot of guilt in my own actions and reactions in the R breakdown. I needed to forgive myself first. Once I forgave me, I could then freely forgive H for what I felt was his part. He never asked for forgiveness, but I gave it freely anyway through my own free will.
#6- Acceptance. I've accepted that this is where I am.
#7- How to get out of the turmoil/drama- I was causing my own turmoil. By getting so wrapped up in trying to figure out what H was doing, thinking and feeling, I was keeping myself entangled in something I had no control over. He is him and I am me. I control me and make my own choices- he does the same for himself.
#8- Aliens. Hahaha. Its a nice word for someone who is/has becoming his own person and taken away our control. We call them aliens because we don't understand why they say what they say or do what they do. H stopped running with the "program"- my program- which made him different and in turn made himself out to be an "alien". He wasn't happy w/the program so he threw the wrench (No i didn't say wench ) into the works. Listen to the aliens and accept them for who they are and show patience.
#9- Making productive and noticeable goals is very important part of DBing. To see the baby steps and changes, write out goals. I look at mine often and have seen the baby steps and changes in H. SET UP GOALS!!!
#10- Taking things personally. Ugh, such trauma when H took off his wedding ring. I look back at it now and say "Why did this bother me so much?" I still wear mine- my choice. Preaching about marriage vows same difference. The WAS more than likely already sees some vow already broken by the left behind spouse (For better or for worse? in sickness and in health? etc) You get my point, so don't preach. A WA is going to do what they are going to do regardless of what you or I think.
#11- NOT Fearing the possibilities and unforeseen future... I was so fearful of losing H that I lost him in the process of fearing. Strange concept. Fear brought on some serious controlling issues from me- tried to control everything. Fear brought out anger and rage. Fear brought out desperateness and clinging. Why fear what could happen? I could die tomorrow, but I don't wake up every morning with the fear of dying tomorrow.
#12- Letting go/Detaching..... I learned 1-10 and was able to detach lovingly. I am H's friend because I know I am his friend and expect nothing in return. I wish him much happiness in everything he is and does.
Read about Divorce Busting« Telephone Coaching here!