From john_w


Generally you have to give any new technique at least a couple weeks to see if it works. The concept of "going dark" for some doesn't work as well as going "dim" - that is, to have some limited contact and keep in touch in a friendly manner. Don't worry too much that your darkness/dim will give the impression that you want a D. If anything, you can say you are busy working on yourself and want to give your S some space. One of the goals of going dark/dim is to make the S wonder about you, and initiate contact and become the pursuer instead of you. Generally when we pursue, the other feels too much pressure to make a decision about the R and doesn't know what to do. You know you want your M and not a D, so give them time to see that the grass isn't greener on their side.

Always be friendly and upbeat when around your S or talking to them. It may seem as unfriendly to cut up credit cards, but you need to protect your own financial interests at this point. It still doesn't mean you want a D.

Try to recognize your level of dark/dim and what works. This level may need to be adjusted over time too. For example, if you email her and she emails back, that is good, and it's positive if she initiates them too. Then from there you wait to see if she initiates phone calls. Over time the level of trust and comfort builds as you have successful communication. That means talks/emails w/o conflict, bringing up A or OP, or talks about OR. Be like a good friend, someone who doesn't pressure them.

Our goal is to eventually get our S to fall back in love w/ us and recognize that we are able to change and are worth staying in the M for. While dark we try to recognize what we did wrong in the R and improve/change ourselves. Then our S notices these things.


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