Usually, the first few months of separation are very tough. Both parties are suffering the results of the separation. Sometimes, I think our partners have (in a different way) as difficult a time facing the separation as we do. They are caught in a position that is as strange and new as the position in which we find ourselves. In confusion, despair, hurt or whatever……….they simply lie because they have no answers or don’t know what to say to us. They make up what they think we wish to hear to buy more time, salve their conscience, etc. It’s not the right thing to do, but I’m not sure that they have not, just now, become "liars" by nature. If they weren’t liars prior to the separation, they probably aren’t really liars now. They’re dealing with their current problem by lying.
Time and patience are, I believe, the two very important ingredients in attempting to save your marriage. Time is necessary to change. I changed aspects of myself immediately after my wife left me. These were changes that anyone could see. I immediately became aware of my tendency to become angry over inconsequential matters. I ceased the outward appearance of anger immediately, but the inner tendency remained for months. Now, I can handle any situation without getting angry. The inner tendency is very nearly gone and no one knows it’s there but me. I know it will take quite a bit more time until the tendency, that only I know exists, is gone. Even then, I’ll always be watching for it, just in case it rears it’s ugly head like a monster that’s been, supposedly, killed near the end of a grade B Sci-Fi movie. You’ve given up smoking and drinking and have begun to work out regularly. These are a lot of changes to have been made in a very short time. Sometimes, I believe, it’s easy to make a lot of changes in the beginning. We have a lot of adrenaline running and a very strong desire to show that we are changing. Time will allow you to test yourself on your changes. Thank goodness for time. Keep using time to improve yourself and to make sure that your changes are there to stay.
Patience is needed in huge portions. I think of how I treated my wife for the six years that we were married, prior to our separation. If the roles had been reversed and my wife had treated me as I treated her for six years, then she presented herself to me as being changed, how long would it take for me to believe she had really changed? We, as humans, are probably the most cynical when it comes to believing that someone has really changed themselves. We all know how tough true change is to come by. Think about how hard it is to stop a habit like biting your nails or yelling at people while driving in traffic. We’re attempting to make some major changes here. Our partners are, simply, not going to believe that these changes are permanent until they witness these changes for awhile. It will take some longer than others to recognize the changes. The reality is that some will be sidetracked and may not return to us in spite of our changes. This makes it even harder to exercise patience, but we have no choice. We must give time a chance and be, almost blindly, patient.
The good news…………..when YOU can appreciate your changes, irrelevant to how you believe your wife perceives you……………you will have become self-assured in your changes. This means that you can carry on for YOU. If your wife wishes to join you, as the changed, self-confident, courageous and loving man that you’ve become, great. Extend yourself to your wife as a genuine friend and as a progressively changing man. She will, over time, come to a decision to come back, or not. YOU on the other hand, have already made your decision to be a changed individual irrelevant to her. Relish and enjoy the new person that you are becoming. Explore all the benefits of having a body that will perform better for YOU. Explore the benefits of optimistic thinking and self-confidence. Explore the ability to be emotionally supportive to your wife even if she isn’t supportive to you. Be a better friend to her than she is to you. Feel the inner power of knowing that you have something few other men, even your wife’s friend, have. You have the power to walk through this situation with confidence, dignity and self-control AND continually change for the better. Give yourself the time to change and be patient with your situation. I maintain that miracles can’t happen, when involving a relationship, unless time and patience are specific partners to that miracle.
Keep coming here for support and to glean information from us who have been or are going through similar situations. If you haven’t read Divorce Busting, I strongly recommend that you purchase the book and read it as soon as possible.
I wish you the best in your DB’ing future.
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