Yet more from Kent!

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I never had to resort to LRT's per say. Instead, I performed a number of 180's that worked like magic.

1. I stopped pursuing W with whining, crying, begging and pleading.

2. I stopped snooping into her personal business. I stopped calling suspected OM's, friends, parents. I stopped hiring tele number traces.

3. Here is the biggy. A big part of my problem was associated with general resentment and disatisfaction with my job. With the help of some personal counseling, a job change and a genuine decision to change my attitude, I pulled it off. This is why I have been saying I am happy and feel pretty damn good. It's because I really do. The tough part was pulling this off while W was talking about separation. This was the big change that made the real difference. It affects everything and all your relationships.

4. We found a better counselor. After the first C told me to throw in the towel, I became very depressed. However, I did not give up. I went to my Dr., got some medication and continued to push myself into a growth mode. I interviewed my new C and explained what we had been thru and what my expectation was in regards to the kind of help she would provide. The new C has stuck to the deal.

As I said before, alot of my success had to do with luck and timing. The other ingredients were Michele's guidance and shear determination on my part. For me it fell into place and worked quickly.

There are others on this board that have been thru much more than I. There are many on this board who have not experienced the luck and good timing that I had. There are others on this board who's WAS's have alot more personal problems than my W has.

I am not one to question about LRT's. I think there is probably alot more 180ing to do before you resort to this step. This is individual choice. Take ILM for example. She has been divorced for at least 3 years and has still not moved to LRT mode. I say if you are to the point where you can't take it anymore, 1st back-off take a long break and come back at it rested rather than exhausted. Save the LRT's for when you are really at that point where you can't go on.

One last thought. The big change caused alot to happen for me. The change in my attitude has opened my eyes to many things I never saw before. In a previous thread, I mentioned that I am being hit with new realizations several times a week. I am just beginning to understand what real change has done and how it feels. What am I trying to say? When you have accomplished real change, you know it.

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As, I said, my situation seemed to hinge on recognizing that my attitude was bad, why it was bad and really change it. There were some other pieces that may warrant more explaination.

My W was having trouble dealing with our two lil ones, boys 5 and 3 (now). I kept the lousy job because I felt i needed to be home as much as possible. I came home from work every night to take the kids off her hands. Weekends were the same story. I cooked, cleaned, dry walled, framed, mowed and just about everything else.This on top of being the bread winner. Over time I built resentment for W without really realizing it. It would come out in little snips as well as in my eventual withdrawl which was a result of her withdrawl from the family. This is what I meant when I had to give up the resentment. Saying it was not good enough. I had to prove it with my actions.

I think the 180's Michele speaks of in reference to off the wall are not just crazy stunts. They are changes that W will have a hard time beleiving that are part of you. For me giving up the bad things I spoke of was an off the wall 180. What things would your W have trouble beleiving were true if you told her. These are suppose to be good changes, not just crazy crap. They also need to be real.

Another off the wall 180 would be a discussion I had with Cliff a while back. He was seeing twinges from W that seemed to indicate she was communicating with the mother ship again. Cliff had to pull a 180 as a maintenence issue. He had to stop being so reliable and do something unexpected to get her attention. Something that showed he was concerned about recent events and that he was his own guy. His move was to not come home sometimes. He would act mysterious, go out kinda breaking the Mr. reliable bubble. I tried a similar move and found W to take notice. It is very similar to the pursuer distancer syndrome. Unfortunately, W needs to be around for these moves to have an affect.

When W is not home or even when she is still home and just not interested, the 180's need to be big and real and obvious. She will also need to see that you are going to be happy and strong and get on with your life with or without her. You make yourself into the strong happy guy you were when you originally met.


JJ

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