Hey bud-- glad to see that you have calmed down and taken a deep breath. You asked me over, so I'm gonna give you my frank opinion, okay?
Stop thinking about it all so hard.
Yeah, I know, it's easier said than done for all of us, but you seem especially inclined to analysizing what your wife means and does and etc, etc. when the simple fact is, she doesn't even understand why she does what she does anymore.
I mean, she chose to act a certain way to minimize the pain she was feeling-- and she says it took 10 years for her to get to that point... I'll echo the others in saying that maybe your expectations that her perception of you would change, even in one year, might be a little high...
I'll also echo the others in saying that ya gotta look at the positive. She's not saying that she's going to leave... she just doesn't want to spend every waking moment trying to figure out how to make things better...
It might suck for you to hear this dear heart, but the truth is, she don't feel like she HAS to work at the relationship-- from her standpoint, she did her work the past ten years, so all things considered, it's YOUR turn. You hypothesize about her feeling guilt, but if she's like the average could be walk away-- if she's anything like ME, she's not feeling guilty cause she feels like she's given it her all when you weren't worried about the relationship. So now, it's not her problem.
I know-- it sucks to have the brunt of the work on you-- and it's gotta be worse for a man because ya'll don't normally have the brunt of the R work... but that's just the way it is right now.
My suggestion to you is to spend the next three months thinking about what attracted her to you in the very beginning of ya'lls relationship... the stuff she told you she liked, the stuff she seemed to enjoy, stuff she suggested ya'll do that maybe you did at first but slowly stopped doing...
Then slowly start introducing that stuff back into ya'lls life when you return. She has a close MF-- look at what she and he share together by way of interests... what do they talk about? If you want a return to intimacy and a return to the friendship you once had, you'll have to see what that friendship stemmed from... and then slowly reintroduce those things-- but not in a forceful way-- just casual, with no pressure the same way her friends would do it.
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